A walk around the lakes

Well, I had a baby. I'm still working on writing up my birth story. Everyone says things are crazy the first few months and it's true. It's been amazing, though. Sorry my blog has been neglected. But something happened last week that sort of encompassed my whole journey, and inspired me to post.

For 7 of the 9 years I lived in Sweden, we lived very close to 2 small lakes. You could easily walk down, and we took lots of walks there. On 9/1/11, I had just flown back from the US after a trip, and was about to start the school year. A few days ago, I had taken my last birth control pill, and my period showed up that morning and we were going to TTC! I had just started dabbling in running that summer, and I went for a run. I distinctly remember that, as I ran around one of the lakes, I passed lots of strollers and kids playing. That will be us soon, I thought, we're going to have a baby and take him/her on walks here.

When I got pregnant a few months later, we went for a walk, again talking about the strollers and how fun it would be to take our kid for walks around the lakes.

After I lost that pregnancy, I was on exercise restriction for a while. When that was lifted, I went for a run around the lakes. I didn't think about the fact that I would encounter those countless strollers again, but that they would carry a different meaning. In every stroller I passed, I saw the baby we had lost. It was heartbreaking. I stopped and cried.

I went on to have more losses, as you know. As I got deeper into the recurrent pregnancy loss/trouble TTC journey, running became really important for preserving my sanity. It was what I put my energy into. I used it to prove to myself that my body wasn't *all* bad, even though I felt like it was failing me by not growing any babies. I had to take several breaks, due to losses and IVF stims, but running was constant for me throughout the darkest months/years.

The past few years, I ran one 10K and two half marathons. Almost all of my training runs involved at least part of the path around the lakes. I spent hours pounding the pavement/gravel there. Passing strollers. Every time, my heart hurt. I wanted nothing more than to bring my baby there, but I kept losing my babies. It was a constant reminder of what I wanted more than anything, but that I couldn't have, even as I was trying to channel all of that energy into running.

In May, I finally became a mother, after almost five years. I still cannot believe it's real. I am so incredibly lucky. We took Baby E to Sweden last month, and spent a lot of time going around seeing Mr. E's relatives and our friends.

On that trip, we drove by our old apartment. Mr. E asked, "do you want to go for a walk around the lakes?"

We drove down to the path, the skies a threatening dark gray, thunder in the distance. Not exactly ideal conditions for a walk. Still, there were a few strollers out. We looked at each other, our hearts hurting for the babies we had lost, but so full of joy for the baby we had in the backseat. We took Baby E out of his carseat and put him in the stroller we had borrowed from my mother-in-law's coworker.

Mr. E took my hand. And with tears rolling down my cheeks, we took our son for a walk around the lakes. 

37 weeks and term

This has been an emotional transition for me. There was a long period of time when I thought I would never have a child. Then, while pregnant, I lived in fear of miscarriage. Then preterm labor. Now, I am officially term (early term, but still). I will not have a preemie. Given that I spend my days in the NICU right now, that is a huge relief. I am so lucky, and feel so grateful.

37 weeks:

How far along? 37w1d
Maternity Clothes? Still huge. I bought one cheap nursing bra and one cheap nursing tank top. They don't fit my ginormous boobs that well, but I wanted something cheap to tide me over until I know how big I'll be, at which point I'll invest in nice stuff.
Who have you told? We have told everyone we plan on telling until the baby is born.
Any movement? Still feeling lots of movement, but he is definitely getting cramped.
Symptoms: Bad back pain, bad pelvic pain, exhaustion, itchy/painful stretch marks. Still very much enjoying the ride.
Best moment this week: Making it to term.
Major milestones: Term. Amazing. 
Major purchases this week: Our stroller! When I got pregnant the first time, I had my heart set on this one stroller. Obviously it didn't work out. Now it is in my house. Wow.
Looking forward to next week: Moving into our house and starting to get things ready!

35 weeks

Work is killing me.

35 weeks:

How far along? 35w6d
Maternity Clothes? I'm huge!
Who have you told? Same as before. No one new. We have told everyone we plan on telling until the baby is born.
Any movement? Still feeling lots of movement, although I've noticed it's changed character, I think he's running out of room.
Symptoms: Intermittent excruciating back pain that landed me in OB triage the other day. Thankfully the baby was ok. Also, stretch marks started at 33+0 and have been multiplying ever since. While I obviously don't like the way they look, I am trying to embrace them. A small price to pay if I finally get a take home baby.
Best moment this week: My mom and my sister surprised me for a "baby shower" weekend - they flew out here, totally totally surprised me, and we had a wonderful day together.
Major milestones: Passed 35/35. Officially late preterm as of 34w, and as of today only 8 days till TERM!
Major purchases this week: We got a bunch of nice gifts from my family.
Looking forward to next week: Closing on our house on Monday, zomg!

32 weeks and big changes

Wow, I have not been good about posting. It makes me sad, because I really want to keep a record of this time. But with working as many hours as I am, I am barely surviving at this point. I'm in the middle of 2 weeks of nights and it's pretty brutal. On top of that, we have....bought a house! It's kind of drastic, it's a legit house with a yard and stuff, in the burbs. We have rented an apartment in the city for our entire life together as a couple, so this is a big BIG change. But we are ready. We've been ready for years, really. We want the family and house in the suburbs, where our kid can grow up and ride his bike around the driveway and neighborhood. It's going to be kind of crazy since we will be moving in late April, but we are so, so excited. Work + pregnancy + house stuff is really stressful, but it's all wonderful things, and we feel so lucky that everything is coming together.

32 weeks:

How far along? 32w today (it's after midnight! #nightshift)
Weight gain? 18-20 lbs
Maternity Clothes? Don't fit into my jackets anymore (thanks Mr. E for letting me borrow yours!) and I've had to size up in my scrub tops around 27w, and pants last week. The normal size pants still fit, but when I put my pagers on the waistband, the drawstring isn't long enough to reliably stay tied to keep my pants up. And we don't want any mishaps.
Who have you told? No one new. We have told everyone we plan on telling until the baby is born.
Any movement? Getting stronger every day. Still amazing. My whole belly moves sometimes. I could just sit/lie and feel him move all the time.
Symptoms: I feel huge. Pretty bad back pain, and intermittent excruciating hip/pelvic pain. Also heartburn got out of control, I'm on Zantac now which is amazing. Some swelling in my feet after a long day of work. NOT that I'm complaining about anything though. Just want to document everything so I can remember everything :) 
Best moment this week: We bought a house last week, that takes the cake.
Major milestones: In the past few weeks, I've made it to 3rd tri, made it past 30 weeks, passed my glucose test.
Major purchases this week: Um a house last week. We are also now looking at cribs and nursery furniture. For so long, my heart has hurt to think about the nursery I would never get to have. Now I am looking at furniture. It is deeply moving and I am so, so grateful.
Looking forward to next week: Not being on nights anymore.

26 weeks

26 weeks:

How far along? 26w5d (head of lettuce)
Weight gain? Seems to fluctuate every day, somewhere between 12-15 lbs
Maternity Clothes? Yep, all the time. I can just baaaaarely zip up my coat now, and once when he was all balled up and sticking out I couldn't, haha. Also, I think I'm only a few weeks away from busting out of my normal size scrub tops. 
Who have you told? No one new since the mass emails of last week. 
Are you showing yet? Still yes. Guess I'll delete this question for next week.
Any movement? So much movement. I've heard people complain about movement before, and I don't get it. It's the most amazing thing ever. Also, it makes me majorly side eye the mom I met on my newborn rotation who claimed she didn't know she was pregnant until 29 weeks. #denial
Symptoms: Starting to get more tired/feeling large. 
Best moment this week: We went to a baby store!! Actually 2. 
Major milestones: No official milestones.
Major purchases this week: We went to 2 stores - one was a small local store. Really cute. We mostly went to try out car seats, but we obviously looked around. It was incredibly emotional for me. I have not let myself look at anything for him until this point, and the last time I looked at baby stuff was when I was pregnant the first time. We ended up buying some cute burp cloths, boon grass (which, I have learned, is an important thing for drying bottles), and a onesie that when I saw it it made me cry. It says "Dream big, little one". We also went to a big chain store and looked at some car seats and strollers, but didn't buy anything. Seeing Mr. E carrying around the car seat...wow. That made it feel very real. I can't wait to see him be a dad.
Looking forward to next week: THIRD TRIMESTER WTF HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!?!?!?!

25 weeks

25 weeks:

How far along? 25w1d (cauliflower)
Weight gain? About 12 lbs. I am hesitant to keep posting this, because it's difficult to see the numbers on the scale climbing constantly. But, I am so proud of my body for making it this far, and I know you're supposed to gain weight in pregnancy. So I'm trying to just embrace it.
Maternity Clothes? Yep, even for lounging/sleeping now. I bought some cheap Target maternity camisoles for wearing around the house and to bed. Much better.
Who have you told? I just sent out a bunch of emails to friends. Trying not to hyperventilate. It's still scary. But now that I'm obviously showing and it's not a secret, it feels weird that random people know, but not my friends. So we're fixing that.
Are you showing yet? Yep!
Any movement? More frequent and stronger every week. A few nights ago, he had a crazy dance party for like 1 1/2 hours that kept me up, it was awesome and so weird!!
Symptoms: Nothing new.
Best moment this week: The aforementioned dance party, even though it deprived me of sleep :)
Major milestones: No official milestones, but 25w feels like a milestone.
Major purchases this week: Uhhhh yeah, we need to get on that. We have at least begun discussing the subject of a registry. So there's that.  
Looking forward to next week: Nothing special. Hoping for a boring pregnancy week.

24 weeks

24 weeks:

How far along? 24w1d (canteloupe)
Weight gain? About 12ish lbs
Maternity Clothes? Yep. Now my regular PJ tops don't fit either. And I've been using DH's shirts but they are going to get too short/not cover my whole belly soon. Time for some more shopping!
Who have you told? We've told a few more friends.
Are you showing yet? Yes. Strangers are asking me about it. Which is weird, but also makes it feel more real.
Any movement? Yes, all the time. Still just unbelievable. Loving every second, even when it keeps me up at night.
Symptoms: Same as the last week or so. I guess the only new thing is that I'm starting to feel like my belly is big/getting in the way of things. 
Best moment this week: V day today!
Major milestones: See above - V day!!!!
Major purchases this week: Still nada.  
Looking forward to next week: Non baby related, I have a whole entire weekend off. Very exciting. Baby related, we have an ultrasound and appointment on Friday. Just a growth scan, which I'll be getting every 4 weeks because of my Crohn's.

Work-wise, my ED rotation is amazing, and I'm loving every seconds. On Sunday I had 2 appys (appendicitis), which was fun to work up. I have also reduced 2 nursemaid's elbows, which is probably the easiest/most rewarding thing on the face of the planet. A kid comes in with a subluxated elbow, you twist their arm a little bit, feel it click back in, and BAM they're all better. Fixed, done, buh-bye, I just cured your kid. Feels pretty badass and the parents are all impressed. I also had one attending who, after asking me what I wanted to go into, said she was really impressed with me, and emailed the fellowship director saying I was "excellent." I met with him yesterday, and it went really well! <3 <3 ED!

23 weeks

23 weeks:

How far along? 23w1d (grapefruit)
Weight gain? About 10lbs
Maternity Clothes? Yes, exclusively. Except for when I'm wearing scrubs!
Who have you told? No one new. Maybe it's time to do that...??
Are you showing yet? Yup! Rockin' the bump. Without being obnoxious of course.
Any movement? All the time! Mr. E feels him often from the outside now. Last night he put his head on my belly when the baby was kicking and he kicked him in the head!
Symptoms: Nothing new. RLP, back pain, reflux, ute hardening. Oh also my boobs are getting more sore. 
Best moment this week: Mr. E getting kicked in the face :-)
Major milestones: 23 weeks today, which is when they resuscitate at the hospital I'll be at!
Major purchases this week: Nothing..... 
Looking forward to next week: Making it to 24 weeks which is the "official" V day even though there are lots of babies born earlier than that who survive.

Today, I'm starting my ED rotation! I'm so, so excited! I was scheduled for it in May, but....yeah. I was able to switch it to this month so I could still do it this year. Hopefully it will help me decided if I do, in fact, want to do an ED fellowship. 

22 weeks

22 weeks:

How far along? 22w1d (papaya)
Weight gain? About 10lbs
Maternity Clothes? Yes, exclusively now. 
Who have you told? No one new, but the news is slowly trickling out to my extended family.
Are you showing yet? Yessss and my bump is pretty damn cute if I may say so myself. Obviously I don't touch it in public, I know how that makes other people feel.
Any movement? All the time. <3 <3
Symptoms: Same old same old, and now the reflux seems to be coming back. I have bad back pain too (chronic back issues that are exacerbated now). But it's all good.
Best moment this week: Mr. E being able to feel some giant kicks.
Major milestones: Fetal echo that looked a-okay :)
Major purchases this week: Nothing. Pretty sure I'm going to be that person at the hospital who doesn't have a car seat or a place for the baby to sleep because I'm too afraid to buy anything.
Looking forward to next week: Hitting 23 weeks/when they resuscitate at the hospital where I'll be delivering.

It's been a really busy few weeks at work. I just got off an 8 day stretch where I worked 113 hours, and I'm about to start 5 nights in a row. I feel like I am barely surviving. 

19 weeks

19 weeks:

How far along? 19w5d (mango)
Weight gain? About 7 lb
Maternity Clothes? Yes! only have a few non-maternity tops I can still wear. 
Who have you told? No one new this week.
Are you showing yet? Yes. I popped this week!
Any movement? Yes, very frequently! Still amazing!
Symptoms: Still having RLP and ute hardening. The RLP is baaaaaad. Otherwise I'm fine. 
Best moment this week: A/S today - not only did everything look great, but we got to see baby smacking his lips, putting his thumb in his mouth (well, almost in his mouth), and curling up in super cute positions!
Major milestones: Anatomy scan! 
Major purchases this week: Nothing this week. We still haven't bought anything for him.
Looking forward to next week: Being HALF BAKED!

In other news, work has been stressful. Good, but stressful. Especially my current rotation. The hours are brutal. But hey, at least I'm not super nauseous like I was the last time I did this rotation! So there's that. 

18 weeks

18 weeks:

How far along? 18w2d (sweet potato)
Weight gain? About 5 lb
Maternity Clothes? Yes! I am exclusively in maternity bottoms, and still have a few non-maternity tops that I can wear but they don't look as good, and I don't think it'll be long before I can't wear them anymore. In the past 2 weeks my belly has gotten a lot bigger
Who have you told? No one new this week.
Are you showing yet? Actually I think yes. I can still hide it if I want to, but in the past week I have grown a lot.
Any movement? Yes and it is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced - although it's pretty weird, the actual sensation of something moving around in there! It has moved me to tears several times. I am so, so grateful that I get to experience this. Even if this all ends tomorrow, I am so lucky to have been able to feel a baby kick inside me.
Symptoms: Still having RLP and ute hardening. Otherwise feeling pretty good.
Best moment this week: A big kick when I was reading in bed. 
Major milestones: Not hiding my bump anymore.
Major purchases this week: Nothing this week. We still haven't bought anything for him. But, several years ago when I found out I was pregnant the first time, I bought a pair of baby socks to tell Mr. E. He said he had returned them after that loss, but it turns out he kept them for a future baby. He brought them back from Sweden this past week, where they've been in storage. I love that he will have a symbol of his angel siblings.
Looking forward to next week: Staying pregnant :)

17 weeks

17 weeks:
How far along? 17w3d (onion)
Weight gain? About 5 lb
Maternity Clothes? Yes! I officially don't fit into any of my regular work pants/skirts anymore. And I have a few tops that are long enough to be worn with my maternity skirt and pants, but most are not, so I bought some maternity sweaters too (just 3).
Who have you told? We've told a few more people - some extended family and a few close friends.
Are you showing yet? Actually I think yes. I can still hide it if I want to, but in the past week I have grown a lot.
Any movement? YES!!!! I have even felt him with my hand a few times. Sometimes I feel little bumps, and sometimes it feels like someone wringing out a towel in my belly, and sometimes I get the feeling you get when your stomach drops on a roller coaster, but in my ute.
Symptoms: I had some scary episodes where my uterus was really hard for long periods of time (like 1-2 hours). They tested me for a UTI (negative) and checked my cervix and amniotic fluid (both fine). I have also discovered round ligament pain. Holyshit it's painful. I mean, it's fine, it's wonderful, but I'm glad my dr was able to tell me what it is because it hurts so bad it would be worrisome if I didn't know what it is.
Best moment this week: It's been a big week: 1. Feeling him move FOR SURE and 2. Finding out the Verify test was normal.
Major milestones: In maternity clothes, full-on outfits. Actually 'feeling' pregnant - my belly feels big, I have RLP, and I can feel the baby. Also, I finally started writing to the baby, something I started with my first pregnancy but have been to scared to do until now.
Major purchases this week: Maternity camisoles, sweaters, and tights.
Looking forward to next week: Mr. E coming back from a trip to Sweden so he can hopefully feel the baby move. Next appointment is my anatomy scan, not sure how that happened........

15 weeks

Yeah....I've been busy with work. I work all the time. It's tough, but it's good. So without further ado, here's week 15 (I missed 13 and 14).


15 weeks:
How far along? 15w4d (navel orange)
Weight gain? I think I'm up about 3 lbs.
Maternity Clothes? Just bought my first pair of pants, and a skirt, yesterday! I've been using my belly band but it's getting to the point where it's just not that comfortable anymore, and it makes my pant button stick out so I can only wear it with really baggy shirts, of which I do not have very many!
Who have you told? Our immediate family, the key people who need to know at work. That's it. Or, it was it, until my classmate flat out asked me the other day and I didn't deny it. I found that pretty rude but people don't realize they do rude/hurtful things, ya know?
Are you showing yet? When I tried on maternity clothes yesterday, then I definitely felt like I looked pregnant! I'd say not yet but soon.
Any movement? You know, I have felt a few things that could have been movement vs gas, but definitely made me stop and think, since it didn't feel like typical gas. My baby is measuring like a week ahead and I'm pretty in tune with my body after 4 YEARS of tracking ovulation, so....maybe?
Symptoms: Belly is growing. Boobs still hurt. Still congested. The nausea seems to be gone but I am starving sometimes. Otherwise I feel pretty good. 
Best moment this week: Finding out we are TEAM BLUE!!!! That was awesome, and that was the first time Mr. E was able to see the baby. Unfortunately at that ultrasound, they saw an intracardiac echogenic focus, which is usually nothing, but is a soft marker for Trisomy 21. Since my NT scan and numbers looked so good, and there are no other markers, they are not very worried, but we did get the cell free DNA test for more reassurance. We'll get those results next week.
Major milestones: TEAM BLUE! Also I have been bad about doing these so stopping progesterone at 13+6 was pretty big.
Major purchases this week: Maternity clothes: a pair of pants and a skirt.
Looking forward to next week: No appointments or big plans. Hoping for good results from the DNA testing. Also, wearing my comfy new clothes that don't press on my uterus!

Catching up...

OK. I've always wanted to do the weekly blog thing if I ever got pregnant for more than a few weeks, but when that happened, I chickened out. I did write them but didn't post them. Now that I'm inching towards second tri (whaaaaat?!), it's time. Here goes.

10 weeks:
How far along? 10w1d (prune)
Weight gain? Hard to say since my weight usually fluctuates, and I haven't been able to weigh myself on an empty stomach (see below) like I usually do. Probably stable or up 1 lb.
Maternity Clothes? Haha no, but I did use my belly band for the first time today. Some of my clothes don't fit, or if they do fit, they are uncomfortable on my stomach.
Who have you told? My family knows, as do my program director and my advisor at work.
Are you showing yet? Definitely not showing, but my belly is bigger and I can't suck it all in anymore. I'm sure it's not noticeable to anyone else, probably not even Mr. E, but I can tell, and some of my clothes are tight in the waist.
Any movement? Not yet, way too early for that, but I can't wait!
Symptoms: The nausea is not 100% gone but it is MUCH better. From like 5-8 weeks I felt nauseous basically 24/7. My boobs hurt, but those have been sore since I started progesterone at 2dpo. They are also growing, which is not something my already-32GG-self needs! My swollen belly. And hunger. OMG the hunger. I wake up in the middle of the night RAVENOUS. I cannot get back to sleep without eating. It's crazy! I'm emotional too, but that's also been the case since I started the progesterone. Oh and fatigue.
Best moment this week: This has been an amazing week. Best moment was seeing the baby punch and kick on the ultrasound. The day before that, when I was freaking out, when the midwife found the heartbeat with the doppler, that was up there too.
Major milestones: Double digits!! And my friend sent me her Doppler and I found the heartbeat with that!
Major purchases this week: Belly band. I also ordered a bigger bra because there's only like 1-2 of mine I can fit into right now, despite just having bought 2 new ones.
Looking forward to next week: No big plans for next week. Looking forward to staying pregnant, and checking in with baby by using the Doppler.

11 weeks:
How far along? 11w1d (lime)
Weight gain? I think I'm up about 1 lb.
Maternity Clothes? Nope. But not all my clothes fit/are comfortable, and I have a belly band. I've only used it once so far though.
Who have you told? My family knows, as do my program director and my advisor at work.
Are you showing yet? No but my belly is a little thicker.
Any movement? Nope.
Symptoms: Intermittent nausea, overall it's better but it's not gone. Waking up in the middle of the night starving. Congestion. Fatigue. Huge, sore boobs. Dizziness when I stand up quickly.
Best moment this week: Nothing in particular happened this week, but I've checked on the baby ever night with the Doppler which is amazing and a godsend for my anxiety.
Major milestones: No special milestones this week, but in 2 days I'll have <200 days to go. So that's pretty cool.
Major purchases this week: I haven't bought anything this week.
Looking forward to next week: NT scan on Tuesday. Whaaaaaaaaat?!?!

12 weeks:
How far along? 12w4d (plum - although I actually know the baby was 6.5 cm, aka measuring a week ahead, at 11+6)
Weight gain? Probably up 2 lbs-ish.
Maternity Clothes? No, but a lot of my clothes are uncomfortable. I have a belly band but it's hard to wear my many pagers on it, so I'm trying to stick to clothes that still fit. And I am so happy the days I can wear scrubs.
Who have you told? New for this week: Mr. E told his family this weekend. I just sent an email to officially tell the people who need to know for scheduling at work. Had a major breakdown while sending that.
Are you showing yet? No, just feeling fat! Not sure if I look fat to other people, maybe a little.
Any movement? Nope.
Symptoms: Unchanged from last week: Intermittent nausea, overall it's better but it's not gone. Waking up in the middle of the night starving. Congestion. Fatigue. Huge, sore boobs. Dizziness when I stand up quickly. The only addition is weird pangs in my lower abdomen, no idea what that is. Doesn't seem to match with the descriptions I've seen of round ligament pain.
Best moment this week: NT SCAN WENT WELL! I can't believe it. And the baby was flopping around in there. <3 <3
Major milestones: ^^ see above! Another great moment was when I heard the baby move on the Doppler for the first time! Sounded like someone tapping a microphone. Since then I've heard it a few more times, along with some swishing noises. So cool.
Major purchases this week: I haven't bought anything this week.
Looking forward to next week: I have a midwife appointment tomorrow, but I'm not really sure what's going to happen at that. Looking forward to my husband finally moving over here later this week, after living apart for several months! He has missed the worst of my m/s, haha.

It's been a while...

In the past few months, a lot has happened. I've moved back to the US (Mr. E will be joining me in a few weeks!), started residency (crazy but going well), and flew back to Sweden for a Hail Mary FET.

Which has resulted in the first time we've ever seen an embryo on an ultrasound. Not only that, I've seen the heartbeat. I'm 9w6d today, which is waaaaay farther than I've ever gotten. It's been a major roller coaster, with a few episodes during which I was 100000% sure I had lost the baby.

I have a long way to go, but for now I am pregnant for realz. I am busting out of some of my pants (I know it's just bloat, I haven't even gained any weight, but it's nuts!) and everything.

Come on, baby, grow!!

Experiences with Cytotec

Now that I believe the worst from this miscarriage is over, I wanted to write about my experience. I know I googled a lot the first time I had to take meds for a MMC and not a lot of people had written about what it was like, so it was hard to know what to expect. I've now taken the same meds twice, and I thought I'd write about the physical experience. (Warning: not for the easily grossed-out)

With my second loss, I had an empty sac, I forget exactly how big it was but it wasn't tiny. I was given Mifepristone, and started spotting/light bleeding the following day. The next day (2 days after Mifepristone), I was admitted to the hospital to take the Cytotec (Misoprostol) there. They wanted me there because there was a risk for complications. I don't remember the exact details in terms of timing, but I started the Cytotec in the morning and by lunchtime, the cramps and bleeding were bad. It got worse and worse, and kept escalating to the point I asked for IV painkillers (which I then realized I should've asked for long before!!). Shortly after it got to that point, I passed what I believe was the sac, it was a golf ball-sized bloody clump. After I had passed that, the cramping got MUCH better and the bleeding slowed.

This time, I was given the Mifepristone and then was allowed to do the rest at home. I anticipated spotting/bleeding after the Mifepristone since that was what had happened before, but that didn't happen this time. I had zero blood whatsoever. Yesterday morning, at 7am, I inserted 4 Cytotec vaginally. At 10am, I took 2 orally. At 12 noon, I took another 2 orally. At about 9am, I started cramping, but not too bad. I was able to go about my day with no problems. At around 11am, the cramping got a lot worse. At 11:30, I started bleeding, a moderate amount of bright red blood but no clots. The cramping got worse and worse, until about 3pm when I decided to take a strong painkiller. (Again, I should have done this earlier. I don't know why I didn't learn my lesson). I had some red bleeding but not nearly as much as I had expected. The cramping got better towards the evening but it continued to come in waves. I went to bed concerned that I hadn't bled enough.

This morning, I woke up with pretty bad cramps. By around 9am, they were very bad, about the same as yesterday afternoon. At around 10:30 (so more than 27 hours after my first Cytotec dose), I passed a bunch of clots and started bleeding a lot more. It's 2pm now and the cramping is significantly better but I'm still passing clots and a significant amount of blood. I think most of it is out now, which is a big relief since I leave in less than 72 hours (OMGWTF how is that possible?!).

My advice to anyone going through Cytotec treatment, particularly at home is:
1. DON'T be afraid to take the strong stuff they give you. I don't know why I didn't, it was really stupid. No reason to be in pain. Eat small snacks continuously to help avoid becoming nauesous.
2. The heating pad has been my best friend. Also, chocolate.
3. I got Mr. E to rub my back when the cramps were bad and spreading to my back, that helped a bunch.
4. You'll bleed a lot, and there will be clumps of stuff, but that's normal. And you are almost certainly not losing nearly as much blood as you think you are, most people grossly overestimate blood loss. Odds are you're fine.

Well we have a plan for this loss

My hCG is dropping, but slowly. 182 to 117 in 6 days. Not ideal but at least it's not rising and doing weird things, I guess. I met with my RE yesterday, who did an ultrasound and saw a 3mm bubble-thing that is probably the pregnancy (in the uterus), but she said it was too small to say for sure. Either way, there's no sign of it being ectopic which is good. We talked about the options moving forward (coming back to Sweden to do the FET of the blastocyst, doing PGS in the US, etc). We discussed how to deal with this miscarriage, since I haven't started bleeding. I do NOT want to be miscarrying, or heaving forbid dealing with a complication, while driving a U-Haul with my dad. So we agreed I'd do the Mifepristone and Cytotec that I did with my second loss, but this time I can do it at home. But to do that, I would have to go to the GYN ER. Before I left, I thanked my RE for everything she had done for us, that I really appreciated all their help. I had already been crying but cried more when I said all that. And then she started crying and gave me a hug. I was so incredibly touched that a Swede did that. As you may know from reading this blog, Swedes tend to be a little cold and not express emotions. It meant a lot to see that she cared.

Off I went to the ER, aka the place where I found out about my 2nd loss and where I spent lots of time with losses #1 and #2. OH and did I mention, I had already been there earlier in the morning because I wanted to get my records. So the lady at the counter looked at me like I was nuts to be back here twice in one day. *Sigh.* I get myself checked in.

And then, I see a girl I went to med school with. At work, that shift. UGH! Seriously?! When I first saw her, my instinct was to look away. Mature, I know. But then I saw her again and we said hi. We hung out a lot in the beginning and were in the same group for a bunch of projects, so it would've been even more awkward to avoid it. I explained the situation to the midwife in triage and asked to see someone else. Fortunately, she was accommodating. I explained to my friend that I had requested someone else, and she understood. She was like, "oh, I hope everything's ok!" And I was just like....yeahno. Sweet though. I just kind of nodded.

Hours go by, then I get called in. And for the first time in my 4 years of all this bullshit, I get a really hot doctor! Fortunately he was also nice. Kept explaining exactly what he was going to do for the exam and ultrasound until I was like dude, I'm on my fifth miscarriage and I've done IVF, I'm good, just do it, I know the drill. He saw the same thing on ultrasound that my RE had seen, and agreed to prescribe the meds. I took the Mifepristone at the ER and I got a little envelope with me full of Cytotec and painkillers to take tomorrow.

Unfortunately, tomorrow is going to suck because I already had to go pick up another set of medical records, go to a doctor's appointment, and get my infusion of Remicade for my Crohn's. Now I have to have a miscarriage too. Oh man. But hopefully, since the sac is so tiny, it won't be too painful.

Only 5 days left in Sweden. Between this miscarriage bullshit, and the terrible weather (50's and raining, even hailing yesterday), I must say Sweden is not making much of an effort to get me to stay.

I am the woman who has FIVE miscarriages

Apparently. My hCG is going down. I am obviously completely devastated that I lost this baby. However, I am even more crushed by the increasing chances that we will never ever be able to have children. And I also really really hope this will be over before I leave for the US in 12 days.

Right now, right after the phone call, this feels unsurvivable. But I know, unfortunately, from experience that it always feels that way. And so far, I've survived them all. Hopefully it won't be too bad physically since it's so early. Emotionally, I do not know how I'm going to deal with meeting my niece in a few days, but I guess I will just have to find a way, like I always do. I'm also having 2 parties/get-togethers this weekend. Sheesh.

Angel #5 (Max): BFP 5/10/15. EDD 1/16/16.

Probably loss #5

Last night, had a spot of red blood, followed by some pink and brown spotting. This morning, I took a HPT (well, 2 HPTs) and they are a little bit, but not much, darker than 8 days ago. So this will almost certainly be loss #5. Waiting for a call back from my RE's office now. And dreading having to go meet my baby niece while miscarrying...

Struggling with jealousy

Around the time Mr. E and I started TTC, Mr. E's little brother met a girl. In the past 4-ish years, they started dating, moved in together, got engaged, got married (less than a year ago), and now had a baby last week. In addition, they both graduated from professional school and have landed their dream jobs. I'm happy for them. Everything has worked out perfectly, and they have everything they want. They deserve happiness and I'm glad they were able to have a baby so quickly.

But.

I am having a really hard time with all this. I guess I'm an aunt now, but I feel so disconnected from the baby. Which is my own fault, for distancing myself emotionally because it's so hard. I guess since Mr. E and I are both the oldest, and we've been married for so long, before marriage was even on the radar for any of our siblings, I assumed we would be the first ones to have kids. Obviously, that hasn't happened. I don't want to "just" be an aunt. I want to be a mom and an aunt. I tried talking to my mom about how hard this was, but she just told me how much fun she thought it was to be an aunt, and that it's "so different than being a mother." That did not help. Not.at.all. I feel so jealous of my BIL and SIL and I absolutely HATE that I feel this way. I can't seem to make it go away though. I feel like such an ugly person, which is not who I want to be. I wish I could somehow compartmentalize my own pain from their happiness, but I haven't been able to figure that out.

Next weekend we're going to meet the baby, and I am already dreading it. See what I mean? I'm a horrible person. Dreading meeting their child, how awful is that?! Last night I cried because it was so hard, and then I cried some more because I hated that I was so sad about meeting their perfect little baby. I'm going to have to come up with some kind of strategy between now and next weekend, because this isn't gonna work.