Dread

I am dreading my ultrasound tomorrow. I just know it's going to be the same exact thing as my other 2 pregnancies. If I am wrong, I will be the happiest person in the universe. But I really don't have much, if any, hope. I just want to get it over with. And assuming this is another empty sac, I am going to be really concerned that there's a genetic problem with one of us (probably me, because that's how my brain works). I feel like I should be able to get karyotypes done if I have 3 empty sacs. Right?

Frustrated

Well, I'm still pregnant, I guess. 5w6d today. No bleeding since the one episode of spotting. But that doesn't mean anything to me. I had no bleeding at all last time.

Since I'm in the US right now, my insurance situation is complicated. I decided to 1) call the insurance people to see if I can get an ultrasound in  MN and 2) call my regular doctor to set up an appointment for when I get back to Sweden.

As for #1, after talking to a bunch of people, I talked to a physician who agreed I needed an ultrasound next week. He is contacting a clinic they work with in Minneapolis, and I should be getting a call from them on Monday. Hopefully they will call and hopefully I can get a fast appointment.

#2 has not gone well. At all. In Sweden, if you, as a patient, want to talk to your doctor's office, you have to call a number and enter your phone number, and they call you back at a set time. I didn't think that would work since I'm not in Sweden, so I called the operator and asked them to put me through directly (after explaining the situation). They wouldn't connect me to the nurses' line, only to the secretaries' (not sure why that's a good idea?!?!) Eventually, I talked to a midwife and explained the situation. She was not at all nice or helpful. First big problem - my regular doctor is on sick leave. Bad news. She's been with me since the beginning of my first loss and knows my whole story. So that is already making things difficult. I really like her and trust her, and I'm really upset she's not available. The midwife said I needed to call when I get back (Jan 16) and make an appointment. Um.....WHAT? Then she offered to "try" to find me an appointment, and send me a letter if there were any available. I started to explain why, medically, I needed to be seen sooner than that. But mid-sentence, she says loudly "OK, thank you, bye!" And hung up. I started crying hysterically. How dare she. Mr. E was furious and called back, but no one would help us.

Then I tried the regular patient line, entering my US phone number. To my surprise, they did call back. I talked to a nurse who seemed nice at first. She offered me an appointment on Jan 23, at which point I would be almost 9 weeks. Not ok!! Long story short, she agreed to schedule a phone call with some doctor I don't know (since mine is on sick leave) on Jan 7. Hopefully speaking to an MD will help me get a quick appointment.

I am so frustrated. I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb. And I just fear it will be another empty sac. Mr. E is on a mission to get me to be more positive, but it is really, really hard.

Reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last

This Counting Crows song always resonates with me.

It's been a long December, and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last.

While there were definitely several great highlights of last year, the loss of our second pregnancy, and still not having a baby, overpower everything else. But in an attempt to be more positive, the highlights of 2013 include trips to Moscow, Switzerland, and Hawaii; my first job as a doctor; a big promotion for Mr. E; and running my first half marathon. That said, I am really hoping that 2014 will be our year to take home a baby.

Here's hoping that this year will be better than the last.

Denial

I think I'm kind of in denial about this pregnancy. I mean, I know I'm technically pregnant, but that has never resulted in anything more than an empty sac + a lot of physical and emotional ache for me. So it's just so hard to imagine it any other way. Part of it is also that I'm unable to even talk to my doctor right now. I'm probably going to call this week but the office has been closed for Christmas and stuff, and it might be closed next week too. It's also in Sweden, and I am in Hawaii.

Yeah, did I mention that?! Maui, to be exact. I'm here with Mr. E and 5 other friends. We are having a blast so far. Yesterday was our first full day and we went on a snorkeling trip, and then to the beach, then out to dinner. It is really freaking beautiful here.

Anyway, so I'm on vacation and short of going to the emergency room, there's nothing I can do right now. I'm trying to relax and not worry about it, but....well, you can imagine how that's going.

This pregnancy has been so different though. I've only taken the one test (well, plus the negative one the week before). With both my other pregnancies, I took a million tests and they all got darker, and my betas the second time around even looked great for a while. It didn't matter. At this point there's not really anything they can do. It sucks though. I wish I could just know already if this has a chance or if it's just another empty sac.

But right now, it doesn't feel real and when I do think about it, it's usually just like well, I will probably spend all of February in the miscarriage process, so I'd better plan for that. I hate that that's how I think now. :( I still feel jealous of the pregnant women I see, because it doesn't feel like I am really pregnant. It's hard to explain. It just feels like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Well, here we go again.

On December 8, one of my good friends got married in NYC. DH came over for the wedding, and after that was going to head to MN to be with me. I wanted to go to the wedding but due to school stuff, I didn't know until about 10 days out that I would be able to go. Tickets were really expensive at that point ($741, to be exact), but after much hemming and hawing, I decided to go. You only live once, and all that. As a bonus, we would hopefully not be out this cycle because I knew I would be O'ing that weekend. If I hadn't gone, I wouldn't have seen DH until after O and we would have no chance. So I went, and we had a blast at the wedding. And we had sex, of course. I wasn't able to temp that weekend because I basically didn't sleep at all, but it seemed like we would have a chance. But honestly, it took 4 cycles with our first BFP and 8 with our 2nd (all with perfect timing), so I wasn't optimistic.

At what I think was 12dpo (although, like I said, no temping), I got a nosebleed. I had a nosebleed the same day I got my last BFP. I also had a nosebleed last cycle and immediately tested. Wasn't pregnant. I decided to test this time though. I walked through a super sketchy area of Minneapolis to find a CVS (didn't bring my wondfos!) and found what I thought was a FRER, but was actually just an ER (get your result in 1 minute, but wasn't a super sensitive test, I don't think). I tested. BFN. Bummer, but not unexpected. Packed a shitload of AF supplies and headed off to NYC for Christmas.

On 13dpo, I had some mild spotting. It was, ahem, provoked. But I figured AF was on her way. However, after that one time, there was no more spotting. Weird. 14dpo, still no spotting. 15dpo, still none. My longest LP has been 15 days but it's usually 13-14. On 16dpo, which was Christmas Eve, I started to get a little antsy. Could it be? Nooo, I had already tested. Stop getting your hopes up, Mrs. E!

OK, are you ready for my crazy confession? It's crazy, I admit. We went to 11pm church with my family and I had to pee before the service. I realized while in the bathroom I had an OPK in my purse. I took it, knowing that a lot of pregnant ladies turn OPKs positive. It was super positive. Oh man, WHY did I do that?! I told DH what I had did and he told me I was insane. But now my hopes were up.

A stealth mission to get an HPT without tipping off my parents ensued. DH and I volunteered to walk the dog. DH walked him while I booked it down to the 24 hour CVS 5 blocks away (it is now 1am on Christmas Eve). I made sure to get the real deal FRER this time. A stealth mission to pee on said HPT without tipping off my parents ensued shortly after. It involved a ziploc bag and making my dad wait to shower. It turned positive almost right away.

HOLY CRAP.

Third time's a charm?

Busy bee

Well I've been super busy here in MN. My day goes something like this:

5:41 - alarm goes off (I have to set my alarm for certain times. Some numbers are good, some are bad. I know, I'm crazy. But I digress.)

7:00 - arrive at the hospital and try to see my patients that are still on our consult list

7:30 - they change the list, and DAMMIT my patient is gone. I did all that work for nothing. Start looking to see which new patient I should go see.

7:50 - get a page from a resident telling me to go see Mr. X

8:00 - go see Mr. X and start my note.

8:45 - get paged again, go see another new patient and start the other note.

9:30 - Start rounds

12:00 - lunch conference (lecture with free lunch. Which is sometimes good, and sometimes bad, like when they have meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and green beans. For the vegetarian, that means mashed potatoes + green beans. Luckily there are always cookies, which happen to be delicious. Particularly the M&M cookies. But I digress again.)

Anywhere between 3:00-5:00pm - finish rounding on all our patients.

Anywhere between 4:00-6:00pm - finish writing my notes and go home.

After I get home: Make dinner, watch an episode of a show, and crash.

Rinse and repeat.


Some gems from my most recent attending:

"I'm hypo-impressed by these findings."

Me: Can you please explain how you can tell that that EKG is afib and not aflutter?
Him: I'm a cardiologist, that's how.

"I don't use smartphones. Everyone has a finite amount of intelligence and if you use a smartphone, that uses up some of it."

"I don't believe in text messaging."

Him: I like my Motorola Razr.
Fellow: I liked mine too. IN COLLEGE.

Week 1 = Steep learning curve!

Well, I have officially survived my first week as a US med student. Phew. It was pretty rough, actually. I've felt really overwhelmed. Everything is different. The chart system, the way you write your notes, the way you present, the way the team works, the responsibilities of the med students, what you are expected and not expected to do, etc. etc. etc. Not to mention I couldn't even find the bathrooms my first day, let alone where my patient's room is.

I'm upset because I don't feel like I've been making as good an impression as I want/need to. I've studied up on a lot of things I've forgotten (like mechanisms for drugs, stuff like that). But, of course, I haven't gotten pimped on those things, just other things that I didn't know. I prep my presentations, but then when I start talking in front of all the residents, fellow, and attending, I freeze up and make stupid mistakes. Even though I'm reading from a freaking paper!!

I'm hoping next week will be better.

And now, I leave you with some memorable patient quotes:


African lady with a thick African/French accent: "How ya doin', sugar?"

Confused lady: (pointing at me) "She's the minister."

Nice man: "You're a good listener. I mean, keep honing your skills, of course. But you already are a good listener."