CD 14

I had an ultrasound today, which showed a dominant follicle on my left ovary measuring 11.9cm. They want me to do 3 more injections, and come for another ultrasound Monday morning. Hopefully we will do the IUI next week! Honestly, I don't have much hope for this cycle. But I have to admit that when I saw the follicle on the screen, I wondered if maybe, just maybe, that could be our baby?

CD 10

Today I had my first monitoring ultrasound. It seems like not much has happened yet, after 5 days of 37.5IU Gonal-F. After a fair amount of googling, seems like my dose is really low, but I guess that's what they start people on. I trust my doctor but I want to get this party started! My next ultrasound will be Friday, hopefully things will have progressed by then! I usually ovulate around CD 14 so I feel like it's weird that I would ovulate later than that on a medicated cycle, but the doctor who did my ultrasound today told me that you can ovulate earlier, the same, or later compared to your normal time when you're on these meds. Now, time for injection #6!

Taking it to the next level with Gonal-F and IUI

I haven't posted much because there just hasn't been much to say. But today we started our first medicated cycle! So now there IS something to say.

I've been in the US for the past 3-ish months, for residency interviews, and I will hopefully start residency this summer. Which means Mr. E and I will only be together in Sweden for another few months. We made an RE appointment for as soon as I got back to see if there was anything we could do - a Hail Mary, if you will - before I/we move to the US. It's been 10 months since my last miscarriage, and I haven't gotten pregnant.

The appointment went better than expected, and our RE basically told us IVF was the best option. However, I am on CD5 and that was too late to start IVF. The other option, a medicated cycle with IUI, could be started as late as CD5. We were on board immediately. I will be doing 37.5 IU Gonal-F for 5 days, after which I will have an ultrasound to see how things are progressing. When it's time, I'll trigger with Ovitrelle, and we will do the IUI.

I did my first injection of the Gonal-F tonight. Mr. E was freaked out by the prospect of me injecting myself, but it wasn't a big deal.

If this doesn't work, we will likely (although we haven't decided for sure yet) do IVF next cycle.  We are at a private clinic that will do IVF without having to wait. The downside is it will cost money (about $4500), but we are prepared to spend that, and more, to give us a chance at having a baby.

These are huge steps, but honestly, we have been thinking about it for a long time. After 3.5 years of trying, we are ready to take things to the next level.

3 Years. And Turning 30.

3 years ago today, we started TTC. It was an exciting time, and I got pregnant only 5 months later. The day I found out I was pregnant the first time was the happiest day of my life. Since then, I've faced the hardest 3 years of my life. I can't believe it's been 3 years, and nothing. People who got pregnant when I did have had their second babies by now. And we are still here with empty hands and empty hearts.

Tomorrow, I turn 30. To say it's hitting me hard would be an understatement. I always, always thought I'd have at least one kid by the time I was 30. I got married at 22, started TTC at 27, so I never thought I would be where I am today without even much hope for a baby.

I hung out with two friends of mine from work the other day, and one of them had heard it was my birthday next week, and I said I was kind of bummed about it. She is 25, never been kissed, and really wants a relationship. She said she didn't understand why I was upset because I haveeverything!! A husband, done with medical school. What more could I want? Little does she know...

I felt really selfish at that moment. I AM very grateful for what I have, and I should focus on that more. My goal for this year is going to be to be more appreciative of what I have, and to try not to let my heartache over my childlessness consume me.

I have a wonderful husband. We have a good life and lifestyle. We get to travel all over the world. Although I never wanted us to be DINKs, we are, and that means we can afford some nicer things. I am applying to residency, which, although it is extremely stressful, is also exciting (provided I get at least one interview!). We will hopefully be moving back to the US next year, if I get a residency spot. So it's an exciting time, and I'm going to try to ride the wave and be more positive.

From "When" to "If"

Last night at work I overheard a nurse talking about her pregnancy to another nurse. This is a nurse I work with frequently, and I really like her. I didn't know she was pregnant. I went into another room and braced myself for what I knew would come - the tears. They always do. Except this time, they didn't. All I felt was a clenching in my chest. The heartache. The heartbreak. 

I've turned the corner from "When is it going to be my turn?" to "Will it ever be my turn?" It's an "if" rather than a "when". That, for me, is the worst part of all this. The heartwrenching grief of loss is terrible, of course it is. But every second of pain and every tear would be worth it if I were to be lucky enough to ever have a baby. But if I don't, all this struggle, all this pain, all this heartbreak, will be for naught.

 

Not to say I've given up. Far from it. Tomorrow is hysteroscopy #3.

Flights, Tests, and Loss #4

Sorry for my recent absence. Things have been crazy. Multiple board exams, multiple flights, transatlantic and otherwise. I counted 12 flights in 6 weeks. Phew.

Fortunately, I have passed both said board exams. WOOHOO! And have started at a new job (well, the same job I had last summer). Really liking it so far.

Unfortunately I have also had another loss. I think most of you are on TTCAL and know this but in case you're not, this is what happened:

I didn't temp my February cycle because I was flying so much, and I had an overnight transatlantic flight right around O, so I knew my temps wouldn't mean much. On what I think was 12dpo, I tested, got a BFN. So I figured I was out, even went through the airport body scanner thingy. Today, since I have had zero signs of AF, I tested anyway to get it out of my system. I dipped a wondfo, turned on the shower and took my clothes off, glanced over, saw just the one line. So I showered, then went to throw it out, and....what's that? A super faint line? But I'm 14-ish dpo. My first thought was "well, I guess I'm going to have another miscarriage." Since it was after the time limit, I dipped a FRER. Definitely positive, but faint. I dipped 2 more wondfos, they were very faint, especially the last one. But I've convinced myself it's because my pee had been sitting out for a while at that point.

After a roller coaster 2 weeks, an ultrasound confirmed it would be another loss. There was a very small sac (in the right place, which is nice although it doesn't really matter if it's a loss anyway). I had betas done, and they were dropping.

Right now, I am in the process of finishing up my RPL testing. Repeat SHG showed a tiny bit of septum left, which we knew. The only thing I have left is CD3 bloodwork, so we decided to TTA this cycle so we could finish our testing and hopefully come up with a plan. It looks like I'll be Oing soon so hopefully that will be sooner rather than later!

In other news, I am running my second half marathon in just a few weeks!

RE appointment, and changing meds

I know I've been MIA, but I am super busy studying for boards. But let's not talk about that now!

Last week, we were fortunate enough to be able to meet with the RE thanks to a cancellation and DH canceling his business trip. In a rare instance of good luck amidst all the bad luck we've had, this was great. She is running a boatload of tests, including a repeat HSSG for me, and we will meet with her again after we get the results. Which might be a while, since I need CD3 bloodwork and the HSSG early on in my cycle, and I'm going to be traveling a lot the next 6-ish weeks. We'll see. I'm most anxious about the karyotypes. Since we've had 3 pregnancies and none of them had a visible embryo, I'm convinced I have some kind of genetic problem. I'm glad we're getting those done so we'll know for sure.

My RE also talked to me about one of the meds I've been on for my Crohn's since I got diagnosed. I don't talk about it much, but in case you don't know, I have Crohn's Disease. I got really, really sick about 4 years ago and that resulted in a Crohn's diagnosis, after several months of not being taken seriously by a PCP I was seeing at the time. I was started on Remicade and 6-mercaptopurine immediately, and have been on them and in remission ever since. **knock on wood**

6MP is basically a chemotherapy drug, but in a very low dose. Before we started to TTC, I met with my GI who recommended I stay the course and continue on both meds, as there is no evidence that either is harmful (until later in pregnancy, when I would have to stop the Remicade). She said the most important thing was that I was healthy. OK, sounds good.

After my first loss, my GYN brought it up and I talked to my GI again, who again said she recommended I keep taking both. Same thing happened after my second loss, but by that time my GI had moved and I had a new GI, but she said the same thing.

My RE brought it up again, so I talked to my GI at my annual follow-up this week. She still said that there's no evidence it's harmful and that she has had many patients carry healthy pregnancies to term on it, but that she thought after 3 losses it was worth a shot. She thinks it is unlikely that I will get sick again, and says that lots of people do fine on just Remicade, but that if I do get sick, we will re-evaluate.

I'm really scared. I was so, so, SO sick. It was horrible. Now I have very little symptoms and have been doing really well. And I'm stopping one of the meds that has kept me this way. But maybe, just maybe, this will help us get our rainbow. I hope above all else that it does, and I also hope that I don't get really sick again. :-/