Denial

I think I'm kind of in denial about this pregnancy. I mean, I know I'm technically pregnant, but that has never resulted in anything more than an empty sac + a lot of physical and emotional ache for me. So it's just so hard to imagine it any other way. Part of it is also that I'm unable to even talk to my doctor right now. I'm probably going to call this week but the office has been closed for Christmas and stuff, and it might be closed next week too. It's also in Sweden, and I am in Hawaii.

Yeah, did I mention that?! Maui, to be exact. I'm here with Mr. E and 5 other friends. We are having a blast so far. Yesterday was our first full day and we went on a snorkeling trip, and then to the beach, then out to dinner. It is really freaking beautiful here.

Anyway, so I'm on vacation and short of going to the emergency room, there's nothing I can do right now. I'm trying to relax and not worry about it, but....well, you can imagine how that's going.

This pregnancy has been so different though. I've only taken the one test (well, plus the negative one the week before). With both my other pregnancies, I took a million tests and they all got darker, and my betas the second time around even looked great for a while. It didn't matter. At this point there's not really anything they can do. It sucks though. I wish I could just know already if this has a chance or if it's just another empty sac.

But right now, it doesn't feel real and when I do think about it, it's usually just like well, I will probably spend all of February in the miscarriage process, so I'd better plan for that. I hate that that's how I think now. :( I still feel jealous of the pregnant women I see, because it doesn't feel like I am really pregnant. It's hard to explain. It just feels like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Well, here we go again.

On December 8, one of my good friends got married in NYC. DH came over for the wedding, and after that was going to head to MN to be with me. I wanted to go to the wedding but due to school stuff, I didn't know until about 10 days out that I would be able to go. Tickets were really expensive at that point ($741, to be exact), but after much hemming and hawing, I decided to go. You only live once, and all that. As a bonus, we would hopefully not be out this cycle because I knew I would be O'ing that weekend. If I hadn't gone, I wouldn't have seen DH until after O and we would have no chance. So I went, and we had a blast at the wedding. And we had sex, of course. I wasn't able to temp that weekend because I basically didn't sleep at all, but it seemed like we would have a chance. But honestly, it took 4 cycles with our first BFP and 8 with our 2nd (all with perfect timing), so I wasn't optimistic.

At what I think was 12dpo (although, like I said, no temping), I got a nosebleed. I had a nosebleed the same day I got my last BFP. I also had a nosebleed last cycle and immediately tested. Wasn't pregnant. I decided to test this time though. I walked through a super sketchy area of Minneapolis to find a CVS (didn't bring my wondfos!) and found what I thought was a FRER, but was actually just an ER (get your result in 1 minute, but wasn't a super sensitive test, I don't think). I tested. BFN. Bummer, but not unexpected. Packed a shitload of AF supplies and headed off to NYC for Christmas.

On 13dpo, I had some mild spotting. It was, ahem, provoked. But I figured AF was on her way. However, after that one time, there was no more spotting. Weird. 14dpo, still no spotting. 15dpo, still none. My longest LP has been 15 days but it's usually 13-14. On 16dpo, which was Christmas Eve, I started to get a little antsy. Could it be? Nooo, I had already tested. Stop getting your hopes up, Mrs. E!

OK, are you ready for my crazy confession? It's crazy, I admit. We went to 11pm church with my family and I had to pee before the service. I realized while in the bathroom I had an OPK in my purse. I took it, knowing that a lot of pregnant ladies turn OPKs positive. It was super positive. Oh man, WHY did I do that?! I told DH what I had did and he told me I was insane. But now my hopes were up.

A stealth mission to get an HPT without tipping off my parents ensued. DH and I volunteered to walk the dog. DH walked him while I booked it down to the 24 hour CVS 5 blocks away (it is now 1am on Christmas Eve). I made sure to get the real deal FRER this time. A stealth mission to pee on said HPT without tipping off my parents ensued shortly after. It involved a ziploc bag and making my dad wait to shower. It turned positive almost right away.

HOLY CRAP.

Third time's a charm?

Busy bee

Well I've been super busy here in MN. My day goes something like this:

5:41 - alarm goes off (I have to set my alarm for certain times. Some numbers are good, some are bad. I know, I'm crazy. But I digress.)

7:00 - arrive at the hospital and try to see my patients that are still on our consult list

7:30 - they change the list, and DAMMIT my patient is gone. I did all that work for nothing. Start looking to see which new patient I should go see.

7:50 - get a page from a resident telling me to go see Mr. X

8:00 - go see Mr. X and start my note.

8:45 - get paged again, go see another new patient and start the other note.

9:30 - Start rounds

12:00 - lunch conference (lecture with free lunch. Which is sometimes good, and sometimes bad, like when they have meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and green beans. For the vegetarian, that means mashed potatoes + green beans. Luckily there are always cookies, which happen to be delicious. Particularly the M&M cookies. But I digress again.)

Anywhere between 3:00-5:00pm - finish rounding on all our patients.

Anywhere between 4:00-6:00pm - finish writing my notes and go home.

After I get home: Make dinner, watch an episode of a show, and crash.

Rinse and repeat.


Some gems from my most recent attending:

"I'm hypo-impressed by these findings."

Me: Can you please explain how you can tell that that EKG is afib and not aflutter?
Him: I'm a cardiologist, that's how.

"I don't use smartphones. Everyone has a finite amount of intelligence and if you use a smartphone, that uses up some of it."

"I don't believe in text messaging."

Him: I like my Motorola Razr.
Fellow: I liked mine too. IN COLLEGE.

Week 1 = Steep learning curve!

Well, I have officially survived my first week as a US med student. Phew. It was pretty rough, actually. I've felt really overwhelmed. Everything is different. The chart system, the way you write your notes, the way you present, the way the team works, the responsibilities of the med students, what you are expected and not expected to do, etc. etc. etc. Not to mention I couldn't even find the bathrooms my first day, let alone where my patient's room is.

I'm upset because I don't feel like I've been making as good an impression as I want/need to. I've studied up on a lot of things I've forgotten (like mechanisms for drugs, stuff like that). But, of course, I haven't gotten pimped on those things, just other things that I didn't know. I prep my presentations, but then when I start talking in front of all the residents, fellow, and attending, I freeze up and make stupid mistakes. Even though I'm reading from a freaking paper!!

I'm hoping next week will be better.

And now, I leave you with some memorable patient quotes:


African lady with a thick African/French accent: "How ya doin', sugar?"

Confused lady: (pointing at me) "She's the minister."

Nice man: "You're a good listener. I mean, keep honing your skills, of course. But you already are a good listener."

First impressions of Minnesota

I've been in MN for about 48 hours, and here are my first impressions:

1. The people are so incredibly nice, friendly, and helpful. Puts us East coast-ers to shame. Not to mention the Swedes!

2. It's windy, and the wind is cooooold.

3. There is nothing to do in downtown Minneapolis. But there is a Target.

4. SUPER TARGET!!!! Even better than regular Target.

5. Apparently parking garages are called parking ramps. Who knew?

6. The Twin Cities are much more ethnically diverse than I expected.

7. People talk like the mom on Bobby's World.

8. Tons of buildings, streets, etc have Scandinavian names.

9. The U of Minnesota mascot is the gopher. Seems kind of lame, I mean, are gophers aggressive? Maybe they are like the gophers in Caddyshack.

10. All the buildings at the University, and all the buildings in downtown, are connected so you can walk anywhere you need to without going outside.

Well, that was a first

In general, customer service in Sweden is pretty terrible. Usually when I call a bank or a phone company or something, I talk to people who don't seem to know anything at all. Today, I had to call my insurance company to try to get reimbursed for the registration fee for the race I couldn't run a few weeks ago because of my hip. I had been to the doctor and had a note, and I needed to know what information they needed and where I should send it.

When I called, the guy who answered sounded a little cranky, and I was thinking, this is going to be difficult. He asked me some basic questions, and when he asked me what the diagnosis had been, I said overuse, because that's what the doctor had told me. Then he asked me what I did for a living, and I told him I was a med student. He said, "oh, well have you diagnosed yourself?" and I was annoyed, thinking he was accusing me of lying about having been to the doctor. So I said "No, I went to the doctor at XX Clinic." He said "oh, I just meant maybe you had a better idea of what the specific diagnosis is, since overuse is so general." Ha! After that, the conversation went something like this:

Him: So, how far have you gotten in med school?
Me: I graduate in January, so I'm almost done.
Him: OK, so after that, you have internship and residency, right?
Me: Yep.
Him: Do you know what you're going to specialize in?
Me: No, I haven't decided yet.
Him: May I make a suggestion?
Me: Um....sure...??
Him: You should go into renal medicine. <<and then proceeds to explain why he thinks it's the most interesting thing ever>> I'm involved in lobbying work with politicians in this area.
Me: Oh, like as part of the patient organizations?
Him: Yes, I had a kidney transplant.
Me: Oh wow, it's really great that you are active in that organization and everything.

We kept chatting, he asked me where I'm from, why I live in Sweden, the usual. He then got all my information, and said that was all, we were done. Then:

Me: Don't I have to send in the papers?
Him: ....Naaah, I trust you....as long as you go into renal medicine! Kind of like blackmailing you.
Me: Haha! OK, well I promise I'll think about it.
Him: And preferably in Northern Sweden, that's where I live, and we really need more renal specialists.
Me: OK, well I'll think about it, but I think I might freeze to death and/or die of the darkness up there.

Then he starts explaining how "people in Stockholm" think it's so dark up in Northern Sweden but that's not true at all. They get lots of snow so it's really bright, and the winters are great. Um, yeah, ok buddy, sure, you keep telling yourself that!! I promised him I would consider it.

So, there you go, a friendly customer service guy who made my life easier by saying I didn't even have to send any paperwork in. As long as I go into renal medicine (which happens to be, like, the most boring type of internal medicine, in my opinion) in Northern Sweden (which is never gonna happen.) HA!

Defeated

Well, this cycle is a bust. For some reason, I stupidly thought we might have a chance, even though this is only our first cycle this go-around. I just feel so defeated. Mr. E and I are going to be on different continents for the next few months and while we will hopefully be together for one fertile window, it's not a sure thing and what IS a sure thing is that we will miss several cycles.

I'm starting to really give up hope that we'll ever get our take-home baby, but I am not giving up yet. But today, I'm feeling really down.