Defeated

Well, this cycle is a bust. For some reason, I stupidly thought we might have a chance, even though this is only our first cycle this go-around. I just feel so defeated. Mr. E and I are going to be on different continents for the next few months and while we will hopefully be together for one fertile window, it's not a sure thing and what IS a sure thing is that we will miss several cycles.

I'm starting to really give up hope that we'll ever get our take-home baby, but I am not giving up yet. But today, I'm feeling really down.

I vow to never...

I've had a hellish week, loss-wise. Surrounded by pregnant people and new moms, many of whom have said some very obnoxious and hurtful things. One of these people dealt with infertility for years, and I couldn't believe the things that were coming out of her mouth. It's like she has no recollection of what it's like to be on the other side (she doesn't know about my situation).

I told Mr. E about some of the comments and things that have happened, and made him promise that if we ever have a baby and I ever do stuff like that, to punch me in the face.

And I'd like to go on the record and say that *IF* I am ever lucky enough to take home a rainbow, I vow to never:

Rub my belly constantly during a conversation.

Brag-plain about pregnancy having a baby (for example, "well, I never sleep or eat hot food anymore thanks to this kid!" or "This stupid kid is causing me so much back pain!")

Not complain about pregnancy or baby-related stuff to anyone except a select group of people who I know for a fact will not be hurt by it.

Talk about nothing except being pregnant/the baby.

Relate every conversation topic back to the baby.

Ask someone (besides, like, my mom) if they want to feel the baby kicking in my belly.

Show someone 948362648 pictures of the baby without them specifically asking.

Say deep things like, "I never knew what love was until I felt him kick." That stuff is like a knife in the heart to people like me.

Ask anyone, ever, when they're having kids. Ever.

My life right now

What's going on in my life right now:

1. I am leaving for the US in 16 days!

2. I graduate in 96 days!! Oh.my.gosh.

3. I think I am 2DPO in our first TTC cycle since our most recent loss. I am obsessing like a newbie, even though I know the chances are low that I would get pregnant this cycle. It's impossible not to hope!

4. I went to the doctor about my hip and she said it was overuse. That's good, but she said a lot of things that made me pretty sure she has no idea what she's talking about. I didn't really trust her. *sigh* She ordered an x-ray, but being the crazy TTCAL-er I am, I obviously cannot get a hip x-ray done during my 2WW! Even Mr. E said that he understood and that he didn't think I was crazy for waiting.

5. I have been gradually, sloooowly, increasing my running again, making sure not to run 2 days in a row to reduce the risk of irritating my hip. I ran 4 miles today and so far, no pain. We'll see how I feel tomorrow. Last week it hurt the day after 4, but 3 was ok. I am bummed that I had to skip my 10K today, though.

6. I am drowning in schoolwork. It's ridiculous. The amount of papers, presentations, group projects, and tests is astounding. I'm not sure how I'm going to get it all done before I leave, but I guess I will just have to find a way!

7. I have my plane tickets booked, found an apartment, and made my holiday plans. But I still don't know what rotations I'll be doing, because they don't know yet. How is that possible? I don't know.

8. Re: #4, I should confess I lied to FF (Fertility Friend). I told it I had a + OPK but that's not really true, it was just reeeeeally close. However, it followed my typical pattern and I've had a temp spike so as long as my temp stays up I'm leaving it as +. Crazy, I know.

9. It is really cold in Sweden right now. Around freezing at night. And the heat's not on yet. Brrrrr.

10. I learned in school that Sweden has a much higher than average level of background radiation, due to the ground being made of granite as opposed to limestone, as it is in most of the world. I told Mr. E this and that we should add it to the list of things that make me wonder why I live here (see #9 for another item on the list).

...And with that, I'm back to work on the endless assignments!

Grieving

I am really grieving the loss of my first angel this week. Tomorrow would have been his/her 1st birthday. I can't believe we've been TTC for over 2 years and....nothing. I'm just kind of in a state of disbelief right now, especially after meeting a friend's new baby a few days ago (and we're meeting another new baby tomorrow). We're good people, and I think we would make good parents. Will it ever be our turn?

On the bright side, we are medically cleared to TTC and have decided to go for it this month, even though a pregnancy (and possible loss) would be very difficult due to me going to the US at the end of the month. But if it happens, we'll figure it out.

What has happened in the past week

The past few days have been a whirlwind!

1. I got my formal letter of acceptance for my away rotation in the US. FINALLY.

2. Because of #1, I could finally book my flights to and from the rotation (making a stop on the way to see family and friends, of course), back to the East Coast for Christmas, Hawaii for New Year's with the husband and some high school friends, back to my rotation, and then back to Sweden. Phew. I leave on October 29, which is now less than 4 weeks away!!

3. I found a place to live! I am going to be living with my 2 classmates doing rotations at the same school. One of them I'm pretty good friends with, the other one I don't know well. I did most of the legwork, which was stressful, but we ended up with what I think seems like a pretty nice place. 3 bedrooms, pretty close to the campus.

4. I went for my first semi-successful run today since my half. My hip has been really, really painful but the past few days I've been able to walk without pain. I tried to run on Tuesday but it hurt. Today, my whole hip and quad area felt kind of weird, but it didn't hurt. I ran one lap around the small lake near my apartment, which is probably not even a mile. But whatever, I'm happy, I didn't want to push it.

5. Other than that, I've been swamped with schoolwork. It's presentations, papers, and seminars up the wazoo. Trying to hang on for dear life.

Half Marathon Playlist

When I was getting ready for my half, I obviously wanted to make a killer playlist. I know a lot of people don't run with music, but I do, so I wanted a good playlist to get me through the race. I took my favorite songs off my regular playlists, asked other runner friends, and scoured the internet looking for ideas. I decided to post my playlist in case it helps anyone!

The whole playlist is about 2:45 (the cut-off time for the race, I wanted to make sure I had enough to get me through even if I came in last place!)

A Place to Stay - Jenny Silver *
Amusement Park - 50 Cent
Black or White - Michael Jackson
No Church in the Wild - Jay-Z and Kanye West
No Superstar - Remady **
Moves Like Jagger - Maroon 5 feat. Christina Aguilera
Kill Yourself - Timbaland feat. Sebastian and Attitude
I'll be Waiting - Talisman
Evacuate the Dance Floor - Cascada
Lose Yourself - Eminem
Born This Way - Lady Gaga
Pump Up the Jam - Technotronic
Superstar - Jamelia
Without Me - Eminem
Check On It - Beyonce
Enter Sandman - Metallica
Low - Flo Rida feat. T-Pain
Live While We're Young - One Direction
Wake Me Up Before You Go Go - Wham
Jag Måste Kyssa Dig - Nanne Grönvall *
Applause - Lady Gaga
Thrift Shop - Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
Can't Be Touched - Roy Jones Jr.
My Body - Young the Giant
All I Ever Wanted - Basshunter
Troublemaker - Olly Mars feat. Flo Rida
Independent Women Part I - Destiny's Child
Shake That - Eminem feat. Nate Dogg
True To Your Heart - Mulan
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
9 to 5 - Dolly Parton
When We Stand Together - Nickelback
Stronger - Kelly Clarkson
Remember the Name - Fort Minor
Paddling Out - Miike Snow
Survivor - Destiny's Child
She's Not Afraid - One Direction
Till I Collapse - Eminem
Footloose - Kenny Loggins
Gangnam Style - PSY
Raise Your Glass - Pink
Call Me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepson
Real Wild Child - Christopher Otcasek


* = Swedish songs that might be difficult to find. (More on Swedish running songs to come in a later post...there are some great ones!)
** = This is a song by a guy who I think is Swiss or something (?) I heard it in a spinning class and fell in love, it's a great running song.

Switzerland!

Here is a recap of our trip, with some pictures.

Zurich

We started in Zurich. What a beautiful city! It was in the 90's and humid (with no air conditioning anywhere), so it was hot, but we had a great time anyway. We stayed at Hotel Rössli. It was ok, but not equipped to deal with the heat. We only got a tiny little itty bitty fan, which didn't really do much. The room was fine though. I can't complain.

Boat on the Zurichsee

Chocolate at Cafe Sprungli

Bern

Our next stop was Bern. We were only there for one night, but we managed to see the Parliament, the famous Bear Park, and walk around the beautiful city. The Aare River, which flows through the city, is a popular place to swim. But the current in the river is so strong, so what people do is they jump in and float down the river for a few miles, and then get out. We thought about doing this but decided against it since we didn't know our way around at all, and were worried we'd end up somewhere really far away.

Clock tower in Bern, supposedly where Einstein got his inspiration for the Theory of Relativity

We stayed at Hotel Kreuz. It was all right, nothing special. Overpriced, in my opinion, but all the hotels in Bern were super expensive.

Bern (taken from the Bear Park)

Lucerne

Then we headed to Lucerne. We splurged for a nice hotel (Hotel des Balances) and it was worth it. Not only because of this killer view from our balcony (from which we ate a lot of pretzels and chocolate):

View from our hotel balcony

But also because the weather was total crap. So we were forced to spend time indoors, but at least we had a nice place to hang out. It was a beautiful hotel, and I would definitely recommend it.


Interlaken

After that, we took what was supposed to be a scenic train ride to Interlaken. However, it was pouring rain so we didn't see much of anything other than rain and gray clouds.

We stayed at Hotel Rössli (no relation to the hotel in Zurich. Everything in Switzerland was named Rössli). It was more of a hostel, but we had our own room and bathroom. Unfortunately, there was a problem with the reservation. Long story, but we had booked through hotels dot com but changed the dates of our stay at one point. We were told that they had informed the hotel, but they hadn't. So we ended up having to stay at another hotel for the first night. It was really stressful, but the nights that we were at Rössli were fine. Great breakfast that was included.

After the rain stopped and the clouds dispersed, we got our first glimpse of the alps from our bedroom window.

View from Hotel Rössli in Interlaken

I had never seen anything like this, and I could not stop looking at the mountains. They were breathtaking.

Our first full day in Interlaken, we went up to the Schilthorn/Piz Gloria. It's a summit you can reach via cable car and train. The weather was great on the way up, and we stopped in a few villages and had awesome views. But as we went up the last cable car, we ended up in this gray cloud:

And couldn't see a darn thing from the summit. We were just in a huge cloud. Bummer. We did do a hike in the afternoon, from Gimmelwald to Murren. It was steeeep but very pretty.

The next day, we went up to Jungfraujoch, an almost-summit you can reach by train. We lucked out and had great weather. It was amazing! You could walk out onto a glacier that was 1km thick. It was so, so cool.

Summit of Jungfrau from Jungfraujoch

Don't know which mountain this is. But wow.

Glacier

We took the train partway down and then hiked from Kleine Scheidegg to Männlichen, which was a beautiful (and pretty flat) hike.

View from the hike

View from the cable car station in Männlichen.

Zermatt

From Interlaken, we hopped on the Glacier Express (panoramic train) and headed to Zermatt. Zermatt is a car-free town at the base of the Matterhorn. We got picked up by our hotel in an electric taxi!

The Matterhorn

Yeah, this was the view from pretty much everywhere in the town. Absolutely gorgeous. We also ended up staying at a hotel that was the steal of a lifetime. The Coeur des Alpes is a family-run hotel that was considerably cheaper than many of the hotels in the town. We had an excellent room, awesome breakfast, outstanding service, a free Hammam and spa/pool area in the basement, and countless other perks. We had the cheapest room, and it really was a steal. If you ever go to Zermatt, I highly, highly recommend it. I can't say enough good things.

Hiking on the Matterhorn Trail

Gornergrat Bahn

Montreux

Our next stop was Montreux, a lakeside town in French Switzerland on Lake Geneva that we mainly visited to see the Chillon Castle. We stayed at the Best Western, which was surprisingly nice!

Chillon Castle

Sunset over Lake Geneva

Geneva

Our final stop was Geneva. A really pretty city! We stayed at the Ibis Centre Nations, which is a brand new hotel not super centrally located, but it was a really good deal.

Square in Geneva

We had a great time and I highly recommend going to Switzerland!