A hard, hard day

Today was a hard, hard day. It started off with a big temp drop, which is common for me around this time (today is 10dpo), and probably means I'm not pregnant. Then I spent the morning at the abortion clinic, seeing patients who want to have abortions, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I am pro-choice, so it's not that I have a problem with abortions, but seeing each patient wanting to abort a pregnancy she doesn't want just felt like a knife going straight into my heart.

I will be starting cycle 9 TTCAL at the end of the week, and Friday also marks a year and a half since we started TTC. Next week is also the anniversary of when I found out we lost our baby. There is nothing I want more than to be pregnant and have a healthy baby. These women (and girls) got pregnant without even trying, with a pregnancy they don't want, and I would give anything for a healthy pregnancy. It is just so, so unfair. When is it going to be my turn? Will it ever be my turn?

To make matters worse, we had to perform ultrasounds on all the patients (to date the pregnancy and make sure it's not ectopic before proceeding with the abortion), so I had to look at ultrasounds of viable pregnancies all morning.

Luckily, I was able to hold it together with the patients and be professional. I almost lost it at one point when one patient couldn't decide what she wanted to do, and she was crying. I know it must be an impossible decision to make, but all I felt was envy and my own grief. It made me feel like a horrible person. But the whole situation just felt like it was reopening all of my wounds and rubbing salt in them.

After the last patient left, I hid in the bathroom for a few minutes and had a good, ugly cry. Then I bought some chocolate.

Tomorrow is a new day.

The well-oiled machine

Last night we had a patient in labor and delivery with a history of shoulder dystocia. Shoulder dystocia is an obstetric emergency that occurs when the baby's head is delivered, and then the shoulders get stuck. This situation is life-threatening for the fetus, due to the compression of the umbilical cord.

Anyway, we knew this patient was at risk for this problem again, so everyone was on high alert all night. I was with my attending with another patient when we heard the alarm, and we ran to this patient's room, along with like 10 other people. The head was out but the shoulders were stuck. I did what any smart medical student would do, which is stay out of the way, but try to find a strategic spot where you can still see what's going on. Since midwives perform most of the deliveries here in Sweden, as long as there's not a problem, most women will never see a doctor. Shoulder dystocia, however, is obviously a problem, so the OB took over. There were two midwives holding the patient's legs back, a nurse going through a checklist systematically to make sure everyone was following protocol, and one midwife applying suprapubic pressure to try to manually push the anterior shoulder out. The patient needed an episiotomy too, but after another minute or so, the pressure worked and the OB delivered the baby. The baby had some trouble breathing for a few minutes but was completely fine.

 Meanwhile, I'm standing in a corner, watching all of this. Watching the mom scream, the dad look completely terrified, the OB leading the team, and the nurse checking to make sure everyone was doing things in the correct order. It is amazing to see situations like this. Within 2 minutes, approximately 5 extra people were in the room, the baby was delivered safely, and the NICU team had arrived. Protocols are designed so that when situations like this occur, everything works like a well-oiled machine. I've seen it work in the trauma room, and I saw it again last night. It's truly awe-inspiring to witness these situations. Everyone worked together, and did exactly what they were supposed to do, and saved that baby.

Getting back on track

After a foot injury, followed by an ankle injury, followed by a bad cold, followed by a stomach bug, I am finally getting back on track with my running! My goal is to be running at least twice a week before it gets warm enough to run outside again, at which point I will be running more often. I had 2 good runs last week, and started this week off with a 4-miler that felt great. I could've kept going for sure, but I don't want to risk another injury so I'm taking it slow. I have big plans for this year, so I need to stay healthy.

It feels great to be back!

Waiting, waiting, waiting

Waiting to ovulate. It really is stressful. I'm on CD14 with super negative OPKs, although I am having some other symptoms of impeding O. Usually by now my OPKs are getting darker or are even positive, so I'm obviously worrying (of course!). Since I had one 60+ day cycle, I worry every cycle that it's going to happen again. The 2WW after O is also stressful, but at least then there's nothing else I can do, it's out of my control, and I don't have to wait more than 15ish days for the next cycle to start.

I'm very type A (some would call me a control freak....ok, actually a lot of people have called me a control freak), so it's hard for me not to stress when I'm not in control. Our bodies are amazing things, but there is so much we have no control over. It's incredibly frustrating, and it's just as hard every cycle. This cycle I've really been trying to minimize stress, and so far I've actually been doing ok, but if I don't get a +OPK soon it's going to be more difficult!

Crossing my fingers

(Side note: In Sweden, you don't cross your fingers. You "hold your thumbs.")

As an American who chose to study medicine abroad, I face a lot of hurdles if I want to practice medicine in the US. I need to get a residency spot in the US, and I will be competing with Americans who went to school in the US. One of the things I can do to greatly increase my chances is to get a letter of recommendation from an attending in the US. In order to get that, I need to do an elective in the US.

I submitted my application for "studying abroad" today. So ironic that I'd potentially be studying abroad...at home...! I ranked my choices based on where I think I'd be most likely to get a residency spot, which unfortunately means that I didn't apply anywhere that's even remotely close to where my family is. But that's ok, because as I keep reminding myself, this is about long-term goals.

So now I wait....hoping with all my might that I get a spot. I should find out next month. It's hard to hear my classmates talking about how fun it would be to go to the US, when I'm like, my whole future is riding on this, people! Not getting a spot won't make it impossible to get a residency spot, but it will make it a lot harder. I know I made the right decision when I accepted a spot in med school here, but some days it's really difficult to accept that it might mean I will be stuck here for the rest of my life.

But for now, I'll just keep crossing my fingers, and holding my thumbs!