Today was a hard, hard day. It started off with a big temp drop, which is common for me around this time (today is 10dpo), and probably means I'm not pregnant. Then I spent the morning at the abortion clinic, seeing patients who want to have abortions, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I am pro-choice, so it's not that I have a problem with abortions, but seeing each patient wanting to abort a pregnancy she doesn't want just felt like a knife going straight into my heart.
I will be starting cycle 9 TTCAL at the end of the week, and Friday also marks a year and a half since we started TTC. Next week is also the anniversary of when I found out we lost our baby. There is nothing I want more than to be pregnant and have a healthy baby. These women (and girls) got pregnant without even trying, with a pregnancy they don't want, and I would give anything for a healthy pregnancy. It is just so, so unfair. When is it going to be my turn? Will it ever be my turn?
To make matters worse, we had to perform ultrasounds on all the patients (to date the pregnancy and make sure it's not ectopic before proceeding with the abortion), so I had to look at ultrasounds of viable pregnancies all morning.
Luckily, I was able to hold it together with the patients and be professional. I almost lost it at one point when one patient couldn't decide what she wanted to do, and she was crying. I know it must be an impossible decision to make, but all I felt was envy and my own grief. It made me feel like a horrible person. But the whole situation just felt like it was reopening all of my wounds and rubbing salt in them.
After the last patient left, I hid in the bathroom for a few minutes and had a good, ugly cry. Then I bought some chocolate.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I will be starting cycle 9 TTCAL at the end of the week, and Friday also marks a year and a half since we started TTC. Next week is also the anniversary of when I found out we lost our baby. There is nothing I want more than to be pregnant and have a healthy baby. These women (and girls) got pregnant without even trying, with a pregnancy they don't want, and I would give anything for a healthy pregnancy. It is just so, so unfair. When is it going to be my turn? Will it ever be my turn?
To make matters worse, we had to perform ultrasounds on all the patients (to date the pregnancy and make sure it's not ectopic before proceeding with the abortion), so I had to look at ultrasounds of viable pregnancies all morning.
Luckily, I was able to hold it together with the patients and be professional. I almost lost it at one point when one patient couldn't decide what she wanted to do, and she was crying. I know it must be an impossible decision to make, but all I felt was envy and my own grief. It made me feel like a horrible person. But the whole situation just felt like it was reopening all of my wounds and rubbing salt in them.
After the last patient left, I hid in the bathroom for a few minutes and had a good, ugly cry. Then I bought some chocolate.
Tomorrow is a new day.
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