Well, that was a first

In general, customer service in Sweden is pretty terrible. Usually when I call a bank or a phone company or something, I talk to people who don't seem to know anything at all. Today, I had to call my insurance company to try to get reimbursed for the registration fee for the race I couldn't run a few weeks ago because of my hip. I had been to the doctor and had a note, and I needed to know what information they needed and where I should send it.

When I called, the guy who answered sounded a little cranky, and I was thinking, this is going to be difficult. He asked me some basic questions, and when he asked me what the diagnosis had been, I said overuse, because that's what the doctor had told me. Then he asked me what I did for a living, and I told him I was a med student. He said, "oh, well have you diagnosed yourself?" and I was annoyed, thinking he was accusing me of lying about having been to the doctor. So I said "No, I went to the doctor at XX Clinic." He said "oh, I just meant maybe you had a better idea of what the specific diagnosis is, since overuse is so general." Ha! After that, the conversation went something like this:

Him: So, how far have you gotten in med school?
Me: I graduate in January, so I'm almost done.
Him: OK, so after that, you have internship and residency, right?
Me: Yep.
Him: Do you know what you're going to specialize in?
Me: No, I haven't decided yet.
Him: May I make a suggestion?
Me: Um....sure...??
Him: You should go into renal medicine. <<and then proceeds to explain why he thinks it's the most interesting thing ever>> I'm involved in lobbying work with politicians in this area.
Me: Oh, like as part of the patient organizations?
Him: Yes, I had a kidney transplant.
Me: Oh wow, it's really great that you are active in that organization and everything.

We kept chatting, he asked me where I'm from, why I live in Sweden, the usual. He then got all my information, and said that was all, we were done. Then:

Me: Don't I have to send in the papers?
Him: ....Naaah, I trust you....as long as you go into renal medicine! Kind of like blackmailing you.
Me: Haha! OK, well I promise I'll think about it.
Him: And preferably in Northern Sweden, that's where I live, and we really need more renal specialists.
Me: OK, well I'll think about it, but I think I might freeze to death and/or die of the darkness up there.

Then he starts explaining how "people in Stockholm" think it's so dark up in Northern Sweden but that's not true at all. They get lots of snow so it's really bright, and the winters are great. Um, yeah, ok buddy, sure, you keep telling yourself that!! I promised him I would consider it.

So, there you go, a friendly customer service guy who made my life easier by saying I didn't even have to send any paperwork in. As long as I go into renal medicine (which happens to be, like, the most boring type of internal medicine, in my opinion) in Northern Sweden (which is never gonna happen.) HA!

Defeated

Well, this cycle is a bust. For some reason, I stupidly thought we might have a chance, even though this is only our first cycle this go-around. I just feel so defeated. Mr. E and I are going to be on different continents for the next few months and while we will hopefully be together for one fertile window, it's not a sure thing and what IS a sure thing is that we will miss several cycles.

I'm starting to really give up hope that we'll ever get our take-home baby, but I am not giving up yet. But today, I'm feeling really down.

I vow to never...

I've had a hellish week, loss-wise. Surrounded by pregnant people and new moms, many of whom have said some very obnoxious and hurtful things. One of these people dealt with infertility for years, and I couldn't believe the things that were coming out of her mouth. It's like she has no recollection of what it's like to be on the other side (she doesn't know about my situation).

I told Mr. E about some of the comments and things that have happened, and made him promise that if we ever have a baby and I ever do stuff like that, to punch me in the face.

And I'd like to go on the record and say that *IF* I am ever lucky enough to take home a rainbow, I vow to never:

Rub my belly constantly during a conversation.

Brag-plain about pregnancy having a baby (for example, "well, I never sleep or eat hot food anymore thanks to this kid!" or "This stupid kid is causing me so much back pain!")

Not complain about pregnancy or baby-related stuff to anyone except a select group of people who I know for a fact will not be hurt by it.

Talk about nothing except being pregnant/the baby.

Relate every conversation topic back to the baby.

Ask someone (besides, like, my mom) if they want to feel the baby kicking in my belly.

Show someone 948362648 pictures of the baby without them specifically asking.

Say deep things like, "I never knew what love was until I felt him kick." That stuff is like a knife in the heart to people like me.

Ask anyone, ever, when they're having kids. Ever.

My life right now

What's going on in my life right now:

1. I am leaving for the US in 16 days!

2. I graduate in 96 days!! Oh.my.gosh.

3. I think I am 2DPO in our first TTC cycle since our most recent loss. I am obsessing like a newbie, even though I know the chances are low that I would get pregnant this cycle. It's impossible not to hope!

4. I went to the doctor about my hip and she said it was overuse. That's good, but she said a lot of things that made me pretty sure she has no idea what she's talking about. I didn't really trust her. *sigh* She ordered an x-ray, but being the crazy TTCAL-er I am, I obviously cannot get a hip x-ray done during my 2WW! Even Mr. E said that he understood and that he didn't think I was crazy for waiting.

5. I have been gradually, sloooowly, increasing my running again, making sure not to run 2 days in a row to reduce the risk of irritating my hip. I ran 4 miles today and so far, no pain. We'll see how I feel tomorrow. Last week it hurt the day after 4, but 3 was ok. I am bummed that I had to skip my 10K today, though.

6. I am drowning in schoolwork. It's ridiculous. The amount of papers, presentations, group projects, and tests is astounding. I'm not sure how I'm going to get it all done before I leave, but I guess I will just have to find a way!

7. I have my plane tickets booked, found an apartment, and made my holiday plans. But I still don't know what rotations I'll be doing, because they don't know yet. How is that possible? I don't know.

8. Re: #4, I should confess I lied to FF (Fertility Friend). I told it I had a + OPK but that's not really true, it was just reeeeeally close. However, it followed my typical pattern and I've had a temp spike so as long as my temp stays up I'm leaving it as +. Crazy, I know.

9. It is really cold in Sweden right now. Around freezing at night. And the heat's not on yet. Brrrrr.

10. I learned in school that Sweden has a much higher than average level of background radiation, due to the ground being made of granite as opposed to limestone, as it is in most of the world. I told Mr. E this and that we should add it to the list of things that make me wonder why I live here (see #9 for another item on the list).

...And with that, I'm back to work on the endless assignments!

Grieving

I am really grieving the loss of my first angel this week. Tomorrow would have been his/her 1st birthday. I can't believe we've been TTC for over 2 years and....nothing. I'm just kind of in a state of disbelief right now, especially after meeting a friend's new baby a few days ago (and we're meeting another new baby tomorrow). We're good people, and I think we would make good parents. Will it ever be our turn?

On the bright side, we are medically cleared to TTC and have decided to go for it this month, even though a pregnancy (and possible loss) would be very difficult due to me going to the US at the end of the month. But if it happens, we'll figure it out.

What has happened in the past week

The past few days have been a whirlwind!

1. I got my formal letter of acceptance for my away rotation in the US. FINALLY.

2. Because of #1, I could finally book my flights to and from the rotation (making a stop on the way to see family and friends, of course), back to the East Coast for Christmas, Hawaii for New Year's with the husband and some high school friends, back to my rotation, and then back to Sweden. Phew. I leave on October 29, which is now less than 4 weeks away!!

3. I found a place to live! I am going to be living with my 2 classmates doing rotations at the same school. One of them I'm pretty good friends with, the other one I don't know well. I did most of the legwork, which was stressful, but we ended up with what I think seems like a pretty nice place. 3 bedrooms, pretty close to the campus.

4. I went for my first semi-successful run today since my half. My hip has been really, really painful but the past few days I've been able to walk without pain. I tried to run on Tuesday but it hurt. Today, my whole hip and quad area felt kind of weird, but it didn't hurt. I ran one lap around the small lake near my apartment, which is probably not even a mile. But whatever, I'm happy, I didn't want to push it.

5. Other than that, I've been swamped with schoolwork. It's presentations, papers, and seminars up the wazoo. Trying to hang on for dear life.