19 weeks

19 weeks:

How far along? 19w5d (mango)
Weight gain? About 7 lb
Maternity Clothes? Yes! only have a few non-maternity tops I can still wear. 
Who have you told? No one new this week.
Are you showing yet? Yes. I popped this week!
Any movement? Yes, very frequently! Still amazing!
Symptoms: Still having RLP and ute hardening. The RLP is baaaaaad. Otherwise I'm fine. 
Best moment this week: A/S today - not only did everything look great, but we got to see baby smacking his lips, putting his thumb in his mouth (well, almost in his mouth), and curling up in super cute positions!
Major milestones: Anatomy scan! 
Major purchases this week: Nothing this week. We still haven't bought anything for him.
Looking forward to next week: Being HALF BAKED!

In other news, work has been stressful. Good, but stressful. Especially my current rotation. The hours are brutal. But hey, at least I'm not super nauseous like I was the last time I did this rotation! So there's that. 

18 weeks

18 weeks:

How far along? 18w2d (sweet potato)
Weight gain? About 5 lb
Maternity Clothes? Yes! I am exclusively in maternity bottoms, and still have a few non-maternity tops that I can wear but they don't look as good, and I don't think it'll be long before I can't wear them anymore. In the past 2 weeks my belly has gotten a lot bigger
Who have you told? No one new this week.
Are you showing yet? Actually I think yes. I can still hide it if I want to, but in the past week I have grown a lot.
Any movement? Yes and it is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced - although it's pretty weird, the actual sensation of something moving around in there! It has moved me to tears several times. I am so, so grateful that I get to experience this. Even if this all ends tomorrow, I am so lucky to have been able to feel a baby kick inside me.
Symptoms: Still having RLP and ute hardening. Otherwise feeling pretty good.
Best moment this week: A big kick when I was reading in bed. 
Major milestones: Not hiding my bump anymore.
Major purchases this week: Nothing this week. We still haven't bought anything for him. But, several years ago when I found out I was pregnant the first time, I bought a pair of baby socks to tell Mr. E. He said he had returned them after that loss, but it turns out he kept them for a future baby. He brought them back from Sweden this past week, where they've been in storage. I love that he will have a symbol of his angel siblings.
Looking forward to next week: Staying pregnant :)

17 weeks

17 weeks:
How far along? 17w3d (onion)
Weight gain? About 5 lb
Maternity Clothes? Yes! I officially don't fit into any of my regular work pants/skirts anymore. And I have a few tops that are long enough to be worn with my maternity skirt and pants, but most are not, so I bought some maternity sweaters too (just 3).
Who have you told? We've told a few more people - some extended family and a few close friends.
Are you showing yet? Actually I think yes. I can still hide it if I want to, but in the past week I have grown a lot.
Any movement? YES!!!! I have even felt him with my hand a few times. Sometimes I feel little bumps, and sometimes it feels like someone wringing out a towel in my belly, and sometimes I get the feeling you get when your stomach drops on a roller coaster, but in my ute.
Symptoms: I had some scary episodes where my uterus was really hard for long periods of time (like 1-2 hours). They tested me for a UTI (negative) and checked my cervix and amniotic fluid (both fine). I have also discovered round ligament pain. Holyshit it's painful. I mean, it's fine, it's wonderful, but I'm glad my dr was able to tell me what it is because it hurts so bad it would be worrisome if I didn't know what it is.
Best moment this week: It's been a big week: 1. Feeling him move FOR SURE and 2. Finding out the Verify test was normal.
Major milestones: In maternity clothes, full-on outfits. Actually 'feeling' pregnant - my belly feels big, I have RLP, and I can feel the baby. Also, I finally started writing to the baby, something I started with my first pregnancy but have been to scared to do until now.
Major purchases this week: Maternity camisoles, sweaters, and tights.
Looking forward to next week: Mr. E coming back from a trip to Sweden so he can hopefully feel the baby move. Next appointment is my anatomy scan, not sure how that happened........

15 weeks

Yeah....I've been busy with work. I work all the time. It's tough, but it's good. So without further ado, here's week 15 (I missed 13 and 14).


15 weeks:
How far along? 15w4d (navel orange)
Weight gain? I think I'm up about 3 lbs.
Maternity Clothes? Just bought my first pair of pants, and a skirt, yesterday! I've been using my belly band but it's getting to the point where it's just not that comfortable anymore, and it makes my pant button stick out so I can only wear it with really baggy shirts, of which I do not have very many!
Who have you told? Our immediate family, the key people who need to know at work. That's it. Or, it was it, until my classmate flat out asked me the other day and I didn't deny it. I found that pretty rude but people don't realize they do rude/hurtful things, ya know?
Are you showing yet? When I tried on maternity clothes yesterday, then I definitely felt like I looked pregnant! I'd say not yet but soon.
Any movement? You know, I have felt a few things that could have been movement vs gas, but definitely made me stop and think, since it didn't feel like typical gas. My baby is measuring like a week ahead and I'm pretty in tune with my body after 4 YEARS of tracking ovulation, so....maybe?
Symptoms: Belly is growing. Boobs still hurt. Still congested. The nausea seems to be gone but I am starving sometimes. Otherwise I feel pretty good. 
Best moment this week: Finding out we are TEAM BLUE!!!! That was awesome, and that was the first time Mr. E was able to see the baby. Unfortunately at that ultrasound, they saw an intracardiac echogenic focus, which is usually nothing, but is a soft marker for Trisomy 21. Since my NT scan and numbers looked so good, and there are no other markers, they are not very worried, but we did get the cell free DNA test for more reassurance. We'll get those results next week.
Major milestones: TEAM BLUE! Also I have been bad about doing these so stopping progesterone at 13+6 was pretty big.
Major purchases this week: Maternity clothes: a pair of pants and a skirt.
Looking forward to next week: No appointments or big plans. Hoping for good results from the DNA testing. Also, wearing my comfy new clothes that don't press on my uterus!

Catching up...

OK. I've always wanted to do the weekly blog thing if I ever got pregnant for more than a few weeks, but when that happened, I chickened out. I did write them but didn't post them. Now that I'm inching towards second tri (whaaaaat?!), it's time. Here goes.

10 weeks:
How far along? 10w1d (prune)
Weight gain? Hard to say since my weight usually fluctuates, and I haven't been able to weigh myself on an empty stomach (see below) like I usually do. Probably stable or up 1 lb.
Maternity Clothes? Haha no, but I did use my belly band for the first time today. Some of my clothes don't fit, or if they do fit, they are uncomfortable on my stomach.
Who have you told? My family knows, as do my program director and my advisor at work.
Are you showing yet? Definitely not showing, but my belly is bigger and I can't suck it all in anymore. I'm sure it's not noticeable to anyone else, probably not even Mr. E, but I can tell, and some of my clothes are tight in the waist.
Any movement? Not yet, way too early for that, but I can't wait!
Symptoms: The nausea is not 100% gone but it is MUCH better. From like 5-8 weeks I felt nauseous basically 24/7. My boobs hurt, but those have been sore since I started progesterone at 2dpo. They are also growing, which is not something my already-32GG-self needs! My swollen belly. And hunger. OMG the hunger. I wake up in the middle of the night RAVENOUS. I cannot get back to sleep without eating. It's crazy! I'm emotional too, but that's also been the case since I started the progesterone. Oh and fatigue.
Best moment this week: This has been an amazing week. Best moment was seeing the baby punch and kick on the ultrasound. The day before that, when I was freaking out, when the midwife found the heartbeat with the doppler, that was up there too.
Major milestones: Double digits!! And my friend sent me her Doppler and I found the heartbeat with that!
Major purchases this week: Belly band. I also ordered a bigger bra because there's only like 1-2 of mine I can fit into right now, despite just having bought 2 new ones.
Looking forward to next week: No big plans for next week. Looking forward to staying pregnant, and checking in with baby by using the Doppler.

11 weeks:
How far along? 11w1d (lime)
Weight gain? I think I'm up about 1 lb.
Maternity Clothes? Nope. But not all my clothes fit/are comfortable, and I have a belly band. I've only used it once so far though.
Who have you told? My family knows, as do my program director and my advisor at work.
Are you showing yet? No but my belly is a little thicker.
Any movement? Nope.
Symptoms: Intermittent nausea, overall it's better but it's not gone. Waking up in the middle of the night starving. Congestion. Fatigue. Huge, sore boobs. Dizziness when I stand up quickly.
Best moment this week: Nothing in particular happened this week, but I've checked on the baby ever night with the Doppler which is amazing and a godsend for my anxiety.
Major milestones: No special milestones this week, but in 2 days I'll have <200 days to go. So that's pretty cool.
Major purchases this week: I haven't bought anything this week.
Looking forward to next week: NT scan on Tuesday. Whaaaaaaaaat?!?!

12 weeks:
How far along? 12w4d (plum - although I actually know the baby was 6.5 cm, aka measuring a week ahead, at 11+6)
Weight gain? Probably up 2 lbs-ish.
Maternity Clothes? No, but a lot of my clothes are uncomfortable. I have a belly band but it's hard to wear my many pagers on it, so I'm trying to stick to clothes that still fit. And I am so happy the days I can wear scrubs.
Who have you told? New for this week: Mr. E told his family this weekend. I just sent an email to officially tell the people who need to know for scheduling at work. Had a major breakdown while sending that.
Are you showing yet? No, just feeling fat! Not sure if I look fat to other people, maybe a little.
Any movement? Nope.
Symptoms: Unchanged from last week: Intermittent nausea, overall it's better but it's not gone. Waking up in the middle of the night starving. Congestion. Fatigue. Huge, sore boobs. Dizziness when I stand up quickly. The only addition is weird pangs in my lower abdomen, no idea what that is. Doesn't seem to match with the descriptions I've seen of round ligament pain.
Best moment this week: NT SCAN WENT WELL! I can't believe it. And the baby was flopping around in there. <3 <3
Major milestones: ^^ see above! Another great moment was when I heard the baby move on the Doppler for the first time! Sounded like someone tapping a microphone. Since then I've heard it a few more times, along with some swishing noises. So cool.
Major purchases this week: I haven't bought anything this week.
Looking forward to next week: I have a midwife appointment tomorrow, but I'm not really sure what's going to happen at that. Looking forward to my husband finally moving over here later this week, after living apart for several months! He has missed the worst of my m/s, haha.

It's been a while...

In the past few months, a lot has happened. I've moved back to the US (Mr. E will be joining me in a few weeks!), started residency (crazy but going well), and flew back to Sweden for a Hail Mary FET.

Which has resulted in the first time we've ever seen an embryo on an ultrasound. Not only that, I've seen the heartbeat. I'm 9w6d today, which is waaaaay farther than I've ever gotten. It's been a major roller coaster, with a few episodes during which I was 100000% sure I had lost the baby.

I have a long way to go, but for now I am pregnant for realz. I am busting out of some of my pants (I know it's just bloat, I haven't even gained any weight, but it's nuts!) and everything.

Come on, baby, grow!!

Experiences with Cytotec

Now that I believe the worst from this miscarriage is over, I wanted to write about my experience. I know I googled a lot the first time I had to take meds for a MMC and not a lot of people had written about what it was like, so it was hard to know what to expect. I've now taken the same meds twice, and I thought I'd write about the physical experience. (Warning: not for the easily grossed-out)

With my second loss, I had an empty sac, I forget exactly how big it was but it wasn't tiny. I was given Mifepristone, and started spotting/light bleeding the following day. The next day (2 days after Mifepristone), I was admitted to the hospital to take the Cytotec (Misoprostol) there. They wanted me there because there was a risk for complications. I don't remember the exact details in terms of timing, but I started the Cytotec in the morning and by lunchtime, the cramps and bleeding were bad. It got worse and worse, and kept escalating to the point I asked for IV painkillers (which I then realized I should've asked for long before!!). Shortly after it got to that point, I passed what I believe was the sac, it was a golf ball-sized bloody clump. After I had passed that, the cramping got MUCH better and the bleeding slowed.

This time, I was given the Mifepristone and then was allowed to do the rest at home. I anticipated spotting/bleeding after the Mifepristone since that was what had happened before, but that didn't happen this time. I had zero blood whatsoever. Yesterday morning, at 7am, I inserted 4 Cytotec vaginally. At 10am, I took 2 orally. At 12 noon, I took another 2 orally. At about 9am, I started cramping, but not too bad. I was able to go about my day with no problems. At around 11am, the cramping got a lot worse. At 11:30, I started bleeding, a moderate amount of bright red blood but no clots. The cramping got worse and worse, until about 3pm when I decided to take a strong painkiller. (Again, I should have done this earlier. I don't know why I didn't learn my lesson). I had some red bleeding but not nearly as much as I had expected. The cramping got better towards the evening but it continued to come in waves. I went to bed concerned that I hadn't bled enough.

This morning, I woke up with pretty bad cramps. By around 9am, they were very bad, about the same as yesterday afternoon. At around 10:30 (so more than 27 hours after my first Cytotec dose), I passed a bunch of clots and started bleeding a lot more. It's 2pm now and the cramping is significantly better but I'm still passing clots and a significant amount of blood. I think most of it is out now, which is a big relief since I leave in less than 72 hours (OMGWTF how is that possible?!).

My advice to anyone going through Cytotec treatment, particularly at home is:
1. DON'T be afraid to take the strong stuff they give you. I don't know why I didn't, it was really stupid. No reason to be in pain. Eat small snacks continuously to help avoid becoming nauesous.
2. The heating pad has been my best friend. Also, chocolate.
3. I got Mr. E to rub my back when the cramps were bad and spreading to my back, that helped a bunch.
4. You'll bleed a lot, and there will be clumps of stuff, but that's normal. And you are almost certainly not losing nearly as much blood as you think you are, most people grossly overestimate blood loss. Odds are you're fine.

Well we have a plan for this loss

My hCG is dropping, but slowly. 182 to 117 in 6 days. Not ideal but at least it's not rising and doing weird things, I guess. I met with my RE yesterday, who did an ultrasound and saw a 3mm bubble-thing that is probably the pregnancy (in the uterus), but she said it was too small to say for sure. Either way, there's no sign of it being ectopic which is good. We talked about the options moving forward (coming back to Sweden to do the FET of the blastocyst, doing PGS in the US, etc). We discussed how to deal with this miscarriage, since I haven't started bleeding. I do NOT want to be miscarrying, or heaving forbid dealing with a complication, while driving a U-Haul with my dad. So we agreed I'd do the Mifepristone and Cytotec that I did with my second loss, but this time I can do it at home. But to do that, I would have to go to the GYN ER. Before I left, I thanked my RE for everything she had done for us, that I really appreciated all their help. I had already been crying but cried more when I said all that. And then she started crying and gave me a hug. I was so incredibly touched that a Swede did that. As you may know from reading this blog, Swedes tend to be a little cold and not express emotions. It meant a lot to see that she cared.

Off I went to the ER, aka the place where I found out about my 2nd loss and where I spent lots of time with losses #1 and #2. OH and did I mention, I had already been there earlier in the morning because I wanted to get my records. So the lady at the counter looked at me like I was nuts to be back here twice in one day. *Sigh.* I get myself checked in.

And then, I see a girl I went to med school with. At work, that shift. UGH! Seriously?! When I first saw her, my instinct was to look away. Mature, I know. But then I saw her again and we said hi. We hung out a lot in the beginning and were in the same group for a bunch of projects, so it would've been even more awkward to avoid it. I explained the situation to the midwife in triage and asked to see someone else. Fortunately, she was accommodating. I explained to my friend that I had requested someone else, and she understood. She was like, "oh, I hope everything's ok!" And I was just like....yeahno. Sweet though. I just kind of nodded.

Hours go by, then I get called in. And for the first time in my 4 years of all this bullshit, I get a really hot doctor! Fortunately he was also nice. Kept explaining exactly what he was going to do for the exam and ultrasound until I was like dude, I'm on my fifth miscarriage and I've done IVF, I'm good, just do it, I know the drill. He saw the same thing on ultrasound that my RE had seen, and agreed to prescribe the meds. I took the Mifepristone at the ER and I got a little envelope with me full of Cytotec and painkillers to take tomorrow.

Unfortunately, tomorrow is going to suck because I already had to go pick up another set of medical records, go to a doctor's appointment, and get my infusion of Remicade for my Crohn's. Now I have to have a miscarriage too. Oh man. But hopefully, since the sac is so tiny, it won't be too painful.

Only 5 days left in Sweden. Between this miscarriage bullshit, and the terrible weather (50's and raining, even hailing yesterday), I must say Sweden is not making much of an effort to get me to stay.

I am the woman who has FIVE miscarriages

Apparently. My hCG is going down. I am obviously completely devastated that I lost this baby. However, I am even more crushed by the increasing chances that we will never ever be able to have children. And I also really really hope this will be over before I leave for the US in 12 days.

Right now, right after the phone call, this feels unsurvivable. But I know, unfortunately, from experience that it always feels that way. And so far, I've survived them all. Hopefully it won't be too bad physically since it's so early. Emotionally, I do not know how I'm going to deal with meeting my niece in a few days, but I guess I will just have to find a way, like I always do. I'm also having 2 parties/get-togethers this weekend. Sheesh.

Angel #5 (Max): BFP 5/10/15. EDD 1/16/16.

Probably loss #5

Last night, had a spot of red blood, followed by some pink and brown spotting. This morning, I took a HPT (well, 2 HPTs) and they are a little bit, but not much, darker than 8 days ago. So this will almost certainly be loss #5. Waiting for a call back from my RE's office now. And dreading having to go meet my baby niece while miscarrying...

Struggling with jealousy

Around the time Mr. E and I started TTC, Mr. E's little brother met a girl. In the past 4-ish years, they started dating, moved in together, got engaged, got married (less than a year ago), and now had a baby last week. In addition, they both graduated from professional school and have landed their dream jobs. I'm happy for them. Everything has worked out perfectly, and they have everything they want. They deserve happiness and I'm glad they were able to have a baby so quickly.

But.

I am having a really hard time with all this. I guess I'm an aunt now, but I feel so disconnected from the baby. Which is my own fault, for distancing myself emotionally because it's so hard. I guess since Mr. E and I are both the oldest, and we've been married for so long, before marriage was even on the radar for any of our siblings, I assumed we would be the first ones to have kids. Obviously, that hasn't happened. I don't want to "just" be an aunt. I want to be a mom and an aunt. I tried talking to my mom about how hard this was, but she just told me how much fun she thought it was to be an aunt, and that it's "so different than being a mother." That did not help. Not.at.all. I feel so jealous of my BIL and SIL and I absolutely HATE that I feel this way. I can't seem to make it go away though. I feel like such an ugly person, which is not who I want to be. I wish I could somehow compartmentalize my own pain from their happiness, but I haven't been able to figure that out.

Next weekend we're going to meet the baby, and I am already dreading it. See what I mean? I'm a horrible person. Dreading meeting their child, how awful is that?! Last night I cried because it was so hard, and then I cried some more because I hated that I was so sad about meeting their perfect little baby. I'm going to have to come up with some kind of strategy between now and next weekend, because this isn't gonna work.

Good news for the first time ever

My beta yesterday (at 18dpo) was 356. From 96 to...356!!!! That's a doubling time of less than 26 hours! I am feeling a lot of relief, and amazement. I've had pretty good betas once before, with my second loss. But this is the first time I've gotten unequivocally good news. We are obviously nowhere close to being out of the woods yet, I mean we're so deep in the woods it's pitch black. But, still, good news is good news.

They said no more betas, and to come in in 2 weeks for an ultrasound. It's gonna be a long 2 weeks. Please grow, baby. Please.

Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease

Beta yesterday at 16dpo was 96. Seems a little low, based on the bazillion websites I just looked at. But, I know logically that the only thing that matters is if it doubles, and that's what my doctor kept saying. So, back I go tomorrow for another beta. You don't get same-day results here in socialized medicine-land. She said she'd call Friday (Thursday is a holiday). FRIDAY???? No freaking way. I begged to get my results by email or something, I said I would lose my mind waiting that long. She took pity on me and said she could call on Thursday because she was working. THANK YOU.

Please, please, please, please, PLEASE grow little guy. It's our turn goddammit.

Hope?

I tested. It was positive. Not very dark, but positive. Fifth time's a charm?


"Hope" is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

- Emily Dickinson

Remembering my angels on Mother's Day

Mother's Day. For women with living children and/or living mothers, it's a day of happiness and celebration. For anyone who's lost their mother, it's a reminder of what was taken away from them. For anyone who's struggling to become a mother, it's a reminder of what they've never had. For anyone who is only a mother of angels, it is a reminder of what could have been.

I am incredibly fortunate to have a wonderful mother who I love very much. I wish I could devote so much energy to celebrating today with her (albeit from afar), but it's too painful. I've explained this to her, and I think she understands. I hope so. I ask my little sister (who I usually boss around) to be in charge of a joint Mother's Day gift from both of us, because it's just too hard.

Today I was cleaning out my bedside table in preparation for our move. I came across the ultrasound picture I have of my second pregnancy. It's just a little black empty sac, but it's the only physical, concrete proof I have of any of my angels. That ultrasound was performed by a very kind OB attending who basically caught me in the middle of a breakdown, asked what was wrong, got an answer which probably made her wish she had never asked, and offered to do an ultrasound right then and there. It was too early to see anything but a sac, and it already didn't look very promising, but at least it calmed me down temporarily. She even printed a picture for me. Obviously, we lost that baby too. I kept the picture though. On purpose. I guess because it's all I have. I don't have pictures of a fetus, or of babies, or of children. All I have is one picture of one empty sac (I don't even have ultrasound pictures from any of the other pregnancies). But I loved that baby, just as much as all the "real" moms love their living children. So it will have to move with us to the US. It's all I have.

Today I remember my four angels, and what could have been.

Angel #1: BFP 1/31/12. EDD 10/11/12. M/C 3/23/12.
Angel #2: BFP 2/27/13. EDD 11/6/13. M/C 3/24/13.
Angel #3: BFP 12/24/13. EDD 8/31/14. M/C 1/17/14.
Angel #4: BFP 3/20/14. EDD 11/28/14. M/C 4/3/14.

Reflections on my Adventures Abroad

Almost 9 (!) years ago, right after I graduated from college, I moved halfway across the world to a country where I knew one person and didn't speak the language. In less than a month, I will be moving back to the U.S. In the past 9 years, I have:

Moved in with a boy.
Gotten married.
Learned a new language.
Taught an English class, adult swim lessons, and histology.
Published 3 scientific articles.
Applied to, gotten into, and graduated from medical school.
Been to the Nobel Prize Ceremony.
Run 2 half marathons.

But I think what I am most grateful for is the opportunity to travel so much. Before meeting my husband, I hadn't even been to Europe. Now, I've been to 30 countries, 15 of which have been during my time abroad. I've done some pretty awesome things on those trips. I've been skiing in the Alps, which was an amazing combination of breathtaking views and great skiing. I've seen a ballet at the Bolshoi, which was like going to the Mothership of Ballet, and was really freaking cool since I did ballet for most of my life. I've marveled in awe at the pyramids in Egypt, and watched the sun rise spectacularly over Mount Sinai. I've seen the ruins in Athens, and tried to imagine what life was like back then.

A lot of Americans never get these opportunities or, if they do, they don't take them for whatever reason. Mr. E and I love to travel, and have prioritized trips over all else, financially and time-wise. And it's been spectacular.

I've also grown immensely as a person. I've faced so many challenges during the last 9 years, everything from learning a new language to dealing with infertility and 4 miscarriages. I am a very different person than I was when I moved here, and I think I am a much stronger one. And I'm excited for the next adventure and next set of challenges!

PUPO!

I am officially PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise)! 

I triggered with Ovitrelle on Thursday night, and started Lutinus (progesterone suppositories, 3x/day) this morning. At 2pm today, I had a 2-day, 4-cell embryo put into my uterus. It hurt a little bit, I felt a few pinches and some cramps, but it was fine. It was a surprisingly emotional experience. I'm not sure if it's because it feels like our only chance or what, but I was just overwhelmed by different emotions. Fear, excitement, nervousness, general unease.

After the FET, I got into my car to drive to work, since I'm working the evening shift tonight. Omni's Cheerleader was playing, and I turned it up and tried to enjoy my drive as newly PUPO. After that song, "I Can See Clearly Now" by Johnny Nash came on. I sang a long. And then I heard a line I had never noticed before: "Here is that rainbow I've been praying for." Naturally, I lost it and had a complete breakdown in the car. I am taking that as a sign.

Here's hoping I get that rainbow I've been praying for. 

I can see clearly now the rain is gone.
I can see all obstacles in my way.
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.
It's gonna be a bright (bright) bright (bright) sunshiny day.
It's gonna be a bright (bright) bright (bright) sunshiny day.

Oh yes, I can make it now the pain is gone.
All of the bad feelings have disappeared.
Here is the rainbow I've been praying for.
It's gonna be a bright (bright) bright (bright) sunshiny day.

Look all around, there's nothing but blue skies.
Look straight ahead, there's nothing but blue skies. (Ies)

I can see clearly now the rain is gone.
I can see all obstacles in my way.
Here's the rainbow I've been praying for.
It's gonna be a bright (bright) bright (bright) sunshiny day.
It's gonna be a bright (bright) bright (bright) sunshiny day.
Real, real, real, real bright (bright) bright (bright) sunshiny day.
Yeah, hey, it's gonna be a bright (bright) bright (bright) sunshiny day.

April so far...

A lot has happened in the past few weeks.

IVF-wise, we have 3 frozen 2-day embryos and one frozen blastocyst. Not as much as I was hoping for, but I'm very grateful we have what we have. My ER was excruciatingly painful but I survived, and I did not develop OHSS. I got my period 7 days after ER and my ovaries looked normal on my ultrasound yesterday (they were around 20cm each at ER and 6cm each 5 days after ER). We are hoping to do a FET this cycle, but to do that I need to ovulate. Come oooon, ovaries!

We also spent a week in Austria. We went skiing in the Alps (wow!) and spent 2 day in Salzburg. It was wonderful to get away from everything and reconnect with the Mr. :-)

Roller Coaster

Last Friday was a total roller coaster!

The Bad News (8:30am):
I had a ton of follies on my right side (about 16, and about 4 on my left). Everything looked ok on Wednesday but I guess something happened in those 2 days. Due to that, they think my risk of developing OHSS is too high and they said I have to do a freeze-all cycle. Which means no embryo transfer. They switched my trigger to Suprefact instead of hCG (which greatly decreases the risk of OHSS). To say I was devastated would be an understatement. I was totally not expecting that since everything had looked ok up until that point. And since I knew I had matched, I knew I would be moving stateside in 2-ish months, giving us minimal time for FET(s). I was, and still am, totally crushed. But I've come to terms with it and am just hoping we can squeeze a FET in. In the mean time, trying to focus on...

The Good News (5:55pm):
I matched into an AWESOME program!!! It was my #2 choice, but my #1 was really a reach. While I'm a little hurt my #1 didn't want me (since I told them they were my #1), I am very, very, VERY excited about my program!!!!

So, that day was a mix of happy and sad tears, complete and utter disappointment mixed with joy and pride. Embryo Retrieval is tomorrow, hoping we get some good embryos that fertilize and divide well, and that we can squeeze in at least one FET before I leave. In the mean time, I've been researching shipping embryos.......

I am going to be a pediatrician!!

I just found out that I MATCHED!! I won't find out where until Friday, but I know it's in pediatrics since that's all I applied for. I get to spend my career making sick kids better! Hopefully in an ER or a NICU. I have worked so, so hard for this. I am so excited!

The Match is a legally binding application process. Basically, you apply to programs, and you get offered interviews. You go on the interviews, and then you rank the places you would consider training at in the order in which you liked them. The programs do the same, and rank their applicants. Then, you get matched by a computer algorithm. You get one spot, or no spot. If you get a spot, it's legally binding for both parties.
 
I went on 14 interviews. One of them was a prematch position, which means if they like you, they offer you a position outside of the Match. If you accept it, you have to withdraw from the Match. I didn't know this when I applied, but I went on the interview anyway, for practice if nothing else. The program was ok but didn't really have what I was looking for, especially compared to a lot of the other places I interviewed at. I was offered a position, but turned it down.

So that left 13. Of the 13, two were outstanding. Two were really great. Three were great. One was pretty good. Two were not very good. One was pretty bad. And finally, there were two that I got a really bad feeling at and knew right away I did NOT want to train there. I hemmed and hawed a lot about how many programs to include on my rank list. In the end, I decided that having a successful, meaningful career was more important than *just* being able to work in the US. I ranked 8 programs (all the way down to, and including, the "pretty good" program.) I felt this was the best possible balance between having the opportunity to work in the US, and still having a great career. I knew that the fewer programs I put on my list, the lower my chances of matching. But I knew I could get excellent training in Sweden. I felt good about my decision, even before I got the "Congratulations, you have matched!" email today.

So, Mr. E and I are moving stateside! We'll find out Friday where!

In other news, my follies are growing well. Four to five 10mm-ish follies on each side. So far I've been experiencing headaches, a nosebleed, sore boobs, and lower abdominal discomfort. Not too bad though. Next monitoring ultrasound is on Wednesday.

Privilege

As I wait for the email next week that will tell me my fate in the match, I have been reflecting on what it means to be a doctor. Even if I don't match into a residency spot in the US, I will (hopefully) have a great career ahead of me in Sweden. In the middle of my night shift last night, I found myself suddenly overwhelmed by the feeling of privilege. It is a great privilege to take care of people. To see them when they're at their most vulnerable. To try to figure out what's wrong with them when they suddenly get sick. To lay a hand on their arm and tell them you are doing everything you can. To help someone not suffer during their final hours. To then lay a hand on a family member's arm and tell them you did everything you could. I did all of those things, and more, in one single shift. It is truly a great privilege, and I know I am very fortunate to be able to do what I do.

Well, that didn't work :(

On Monday, I got AF (at 10 dpIUI, WTF?!). I have never ever in my 3.5 years of charting had an LP shorter than 13 days so I was really shocked and annoyed. I wasn't really expecting the IUI to work, but I certainly wasn't expecting to get AF so early. The doctor I talked to at the clinic was just like yeah, this can happen. No one seems concerned so I'm trying to just let it go.

The good news is, I had a baseline CD2 ultrasound on Tuesday and we got the green light for IVF! The plan is:
- Gonal F 150IU every night
- Add Orgalutran starting on CD6
- .....ultrasounds, possible dose adjustments....
- Trigger
- ER 36 hours after trigger
- ET 2-5 days later
- Lutinus (progesterone) supps 3x/day

It's a little daunting because there are 3 types of shots, 2 of which have to be refrigerated which is complicated because I'm on nights right now and have to schlep my stuff back and forth to work, but whatever. It's on like Donkey Kong. Let's do this! Please please let this work.

CD 23: IUI #1, 2WW

Well, the IUI on Friday went well. I triggered with Ovitrelle on Wednesday at 9:30pm, and did the IUI on Friday at 1:30pm. Mr. E did his sample earlier that morning, which they said was great (100 million sperm! How can we have that much and never manage to get pregnant?!) The IUI wasn't fun, not gonna lie, but it wasn't too bad. Felt like when I had my SHGs, a pelvic exam with a catheter through my cervix. Not pleasant but it was over quickly. And afterwards, my husband, ever the comedian, said, "So, was it good for you?" Ha.

.....And now we wait. Not only to find out if I'll get pregnant, but the week after that 2WW is over, I will find out whether or not I matched into a residency spot in the US. I'm going to write more about that whole process later, but it's been very overwhelming to say the least. Needless to say, March could be the best month ever in the E household. So we will be doing everything we can to bring us good luck, using the American and Swedish customs: Crossing our fingers and holding our thumbs.

And we are a go for IUI #1!

Today, my follicle measured 14.6mm which to me didn't seem that good but the doctor reassured me that it was fine. She said 1-2mm/day of growth is normal, and I guess this is close to 1mm/day but not quite, which has me worried! I'm trying to trust them though. Now the plan is Gonal-F for 2 more days, trigger on Wednesday, and IUI on Friday!

CD 14

I had an ultrasound today, which showed a dominant follicle on my left ovary measuring 11.9cm. They want me to do 3 more injections, and come for another ultrasound Monday morning. Hopefully we will do the IUI next week! Honestly, I don't have much hope for this cycle. But I have to admit that when I saw the follicle on the screen, I wondered if maybe, just maybe, that could be our baby?

CD 10

Today I had my first monitoring ultrasound. It seems like not much has happened yet, after 5 days of 37.5IU Gonal-F. After a fair amount of googling, seems like my dose is really low, but I guess that's what they start people on. I trust my doctor but I want to get this party started! My next ultrasound will be Friday, hopefully things will have progressed by then! I usually ovulate around CD 14 so I feel like it's weird that I would ovulate later than that on a medicated cycle, but the doctor who did my ultrasound today told me that you can ovulate earlier, the same, or later compared to your normal time when you're on these meds. Now, time for injection #6!

Taking it to the next level with Gonal-F and IUI

I haven't posted much because there just hasn't been much to say. But today we started our first medicated cycle! So now there IS something to say.

I've been in the US for the past 3-ish months, for residency interviews, and I will hopefully start residency this summer. Which means Mr. E and I will only be together in Sweden for another few months. We made an RE appointment for as soon as I got back to see if there was anything we could do - a Hail Mary, if you will - before I/we move to the US. It's been 10 months since my last miscarriage, and I haven't gotten pregnant.

The appointment went better than expected, and our RE basically told us IVF was the best option. However, I am on CD5 and that was too late to start IVF. The other option, a medicated cycle with IUI, could be started as late as CD5. We were on board immediately. I will be doing 37.5 IU Gonal-F for 5 days, after which I will have an ultrasound to see how things are progressing. When it's time, I'll trigger with Ovitrelle, and we will do the IUI.

I did my first injection of the Gonal-F tonight. Mr. E was freaked out by the prospect of me injecting myself, but it wasn't a big deal.

If this doesn't work, we will likely (although we haven't decided for sure yet) do IVF next cycle.  We are at a private clinic that will do IVF without having to wait. The downside is it will cost money (about $4500), but we are prepared to spend that, and more, to give us a chance at having a baby.

These are huge steps, but honestly, we have been thinking about it for a long time. After 3.5 years of trying, we are ready to take things to the next level.