3 Years. And Turning 30.

3 years ago today, we started TTC. It was an exciting time, and I got pregnant only 5 months later. The day I found out I was pregnant the first time was the happiest day of my life. Since then, I've faced the hardest 3 years of my life. I can't believe it's been 3 years, and nothing. People who got pregnant when I did have had their second babies by now. And we are still here with empty hands and empty hearts.

Tomorrow, I turn 30. To say it's hitting me hard would be an understatement. I always, always thought I'd have at least one kid by the time I was 30. I got married at 22, started TTC at 27, so I never thought I would be where I am today without even much hope for a baby.

I hung out with two friends of mine from work the other day, and one of them had heard it was my birthday next week, and I said I was kind of bummed about it. She is 25, never been kissed, and really wants a relationship. She said she didn't understand why I was upset because I haveeverything!! A husband, done with medical school. What more could I want? Little does she know...

I felt really selfish at that moment. I AM very grateful for what I have, and I should focus on that more. My goal for this year is going to be to be more appreciative of what I have, and to try not to let my heartache over my childlessness consume me.

I have a wonderful husband. We have a good life and lifestyle. We get to travel all over the world. Although I never wanted us to be DINKs, we are, and that means we can afford some nicer things. I am applying to residency, which, although it is extremely stressful, is also exciting (provided I get at least one interview!). We will hopefully be moving back to the US next year, if I get a residency spot. So it's an exciting time, and I'm going to try to ride the wave and be more positive.

From "When" to "If"

Last night at work I overheard a nurse talking about her pregnancy to another nurse. This is a nurse I work with frequently, and I really like her. I didn't know she was pregnant. I went into another room and braced myself for what I knew would come - the tears. They always do. Except this time, they didn't. All I felt was a clenching in my chest. The heartache. The heartbreak. 

I've turned the corner from "When is it going to be my turn?" to "Will it ever be my turn?" It's an "if" rather than a "when". That, for me, is the worst part of all this. The heartwrenching grief of loss is terrible, of course it is. But every second of pain and every tear would be worth it if I were to be lucky enough to ever have a baby. But if I don't, all this struggle, all this pain, all this heartbreak, will be for naught.

 

Not to say I've given up. Far from it. Tomorrow is hysteroscopy #3.

Flights, Tests, and Loss #4

Sorry for my recent absence. Things have been crazy. Multiple board exams, multiple flights, transatlantic and otherwise. I counted 12 flights in 6 weeks. Phew.

Fortunately, I have passed both said board exams. WOOHOO! And have started at a new job (well, the same job I had last summer). Really liking it so far.

Unfortunately I have also had another loss. I think most of you are on TTCAL and know this but in case you're not, this is what happened:

I didn't temp my February cycle because I was flying so much, and I had an overnight transatlantic flight right around O, so I knew my temps wouldn't mean much. On what I think was 12dpo, I tested, got a BFN. So I figured I was out, even went through the airport body scanner thingy. Today, since I have had zero signs of AF, I tested anyway to get it out of my system. I dipped a wondfo, turned on the shower and took my clothes off, glanced over, saw just the one line. So I showered, then went to throw it out, and....what's that? A super faint line? But I'm 14-ish dpo. My first thought was "well, I guess I'm going to have another miscarriage." Since it was after the time limit, I dipped a FRER. Definitely positive, but faint. I dipped 2 more wondfos, they were very faint, especially the last one. But I've convinced myself it's because my pee had been sitting out for a while at that point.

After a roller coaster 2 weeks, an ultrasound confirmed it would be another loss. There was a very small sac (in the right place, which is nice although it doesn't really matter if it's a loss anyway). I had betas done, and they were dropping.

Right now, I am in the process of finishing up my RPL testing. Repeat SHG showed a tiny bit of septum left, which we knew. The only thing I have left is CD3 bloodwork, so we decided to TTA this cycle so we could finish our testing and hopefully come up with a plan. It looks like I'll be Oing soon so hopefully that will be sooner rather than later!

In other news, I am running my second half marathon in just a few weeks!

RE appointment, and changing meds

I know I've been MIA, but I am super busy studying for boards. But let's not talk about that now!

Last week, we were fortunate enough to be able to meet with the RE thanks to a cancellation and DH canceling his business trip. In a rare instance of good luck amidst all the bad luck we've had, this was great. She is running a boatload of tests, including a repeat HSSG for me, and we will meet with her again after we get the results. Which might be a while, since I need CD3 bloodwork and the HSSG early on in my cycle, and I'm going to be traveling a lot the next 6-ish weeks. We'll see. I'm most anxious about the karyotypes. Since we've had 3 pregnancies and none of them had a visible embryo, I'm convinced I have some kind of genetic problem. I'm glad we're getting those done so we'll know for sure.

My RE also talked to me about one of the meds I've been on for my Crohn's since I got diagnosed. I don't talk about it much, but in case you don't know, I have Crohn's Disease. I got really, really sick about 4 years ago and that resulted in a Crohn's diagnosis, after several months of not being taken seriously by a PCP I was seeing at the time. I was started on Remicade and 6-mercaptopurine immediately, and have been on them and in remission ever since. **knock on wood**

6MP is basically a chemotherapy drug, but in a very low dose. Before we started to TTC, I met with my GI who recommended I stay the course and continue on both meds, as there is no evidence that either is harmful (until later in pregnancy, when I would have to stop the Remicade). She said the most important thing was that I was healthy. OK, sounds good.

After my first loss, my GYN brought it up and I talked to my GI again, who again said she recommended I keep taking both. Same thing happened after my second loss, but by that time my GI had moved and I had a new GI, but she said the same thing.

My RE brought it up again, so I talked to my GI at my annual follow-up this week. She still said that there's no evidence it's harmful and that she has had many patients carry healthy pregnancies to term on it, but that she thought after 3 losses it was worth a shot. She thinks it is unlikely that I will get sick again, and says that lots of people do fine on just Remicade, but that if I do get sick, we will re-evaluate.

I'm really scared. I was so, so, SO sick. It was horrible. Now I have very little symptoms and have been doing really well. And I'm stopping one of the meds that has kept me this way. But maybe, just maybe, this will help us get our rainbow. I hope above all else that it does, and I also hope that I don't get really sick again. :-/

Annoying people and bragplaining

This is just a vent post. I have a friend, let's call her P. She is constantly bragging about her fitness achievements. But it's always like "oh my gosh, I went out for an easy run and ended up running a half marathon by accident! Was that stupid?" And then everyone's like "noooo, you're amazing!" Drives me batty. No need to bragplain.

Well she has had trouble TTC for a while, and posted a lot of things about being hurt by pregnant people. She recently got a BFP and is posting all kinds of annoying shit, and she's also AWing about some stuff that, IMO, she shouldn't be doing while pregnant. She is just a major AW in general and now this is even worse than usual. And I have several other friends who have dealt with IF and been hurt by pregnant people, then gotten pregnant and had babies and been soooo annoying and AW-y the whole time. I don't get it.

A post from this person today made me cry and I was having a good day otherwise. I want to be happy for her but right now I'm just hurting.

Just needed to get that off my chest. If you read all that, thanks for listening. <3

My favorite Swedish Words

This post showed up on my Facebook timeline today, and I loved it:

http://www.mnn.com/lifestyle/arts-culture/stories/say-what-11-untranslatable-words-from-other-cultures-infographic

Incidentally, the Swedish word on that list is one I'd never heard before. But this inspired me to make a list of my favorite Swedish words that you can't translate. All of these words are words that Mr. E and I use all the time at home, where we speak English. They are awesome words.

Orka (OR-CAH, like the whale)- v., you just don't have the energy to do something. Example: "I know I should go to the gym but I'm too tired. I don't orka." (Correct Swedish usage: Jag orkar inte)

Jobbig (YOBE-igg) - adj., annoying, difficult, a PITA, irritating, troublesome. A general word that can mean one or all of those things. A person, task, or situation can be jobbig. Example: "She is so jobbig, I just can't deal with her" or "I hate having to call the cable company and get put on hold for half an hour, it's so jobbig."

Mysig (MEES-igg) - adj., a state of being cozy, warm, and comfortable. In contrast to English, a place, as well as a person, can be/feel mysig. "Example: Ohh, it's so mysig in here with all these blankets and candles." It can also be used as a verb, mysa, which is the act of being mysig, usually involving a couch, a blanket, and a significant other.

Hinna (HINN-AH) - v.,  To have the time for, or to be on time for. It's a good word, and to say the same thing in English you have to use a lot more words. Example: "Sorry I didn't finish the dishes, I just didn't hinna" or "You better leave now or you won't hinna."

Lagom (log-ohm) - I'm not even sure what part of speech this is. It's just a term. It means not too much, not too little, but juuuust right, as Goldilocks would say. Example: "How much much cake do you want? I dunno, lagom" (Obviously, the answer to "how much cake do you want" is not "lagom", it's "a lot", but it was just an example.)

Fan (Fahn) - this is just a curse word that's fun to say. I'd say it's the equivalent of "shit" in English. Cursing in another language is really fun because it doesn't really feel like cursing.

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On another note, here are a few Swedish words that crack me up to this day (pronounced phonetically unless otherwise indicated):

Kock - cook

Sex - six (it also means sex)

Slut (sloot) - end

Fart - speed

Infart - Entrance (like to a parking lot)

Utfart - Exit (like from a parking lot)

....are you laughing yet?

Farthinder (fart hinder) - speedbump
The signs are the best:

Kitt (shit) - caulk

Facket (focket) - union

Aaaaand my favorite of all time:

Byggnadsfacket (big nads focket) - construction workers' union. Gets.me.every.time.


Bonus: kackerlacka (cocker locka)- cockroach (just fun to say!)

Mrs. E, MD

On Friday, I graduated from medical school.

Five and a half years of blood, sweat, and tears. Long days at the hospital, long nights at the hospital, long study sessions at home. Biochemistry, Physiology, Anatomy, Microbiology, Pharmacology, Internal Medicine, Infectious Diseases, Dermatology, Research, Surgery, Anesthesia, Ophthalmology, Otolaryngology, Neurology, Psychiatry, OB/GYN, Pediatrics, Occupational Medicine, and several electives. Done, done, done.

It's been a long road, and it hasn't been easy. Med school is hard, and doing it in Swedish is an even bigger challenge. Mr. E has believed in me from the get-go, encouraging me to apply and telling me I could do it, even when I didn't believe in myself. Somehow, with a lot of support from family and friends, I did it. Several people have told me they're proud of me, and you know what, I'm proud of me too!

My first semester was really difficult, and there were many days where I didn't think I could do it, and I told Mr. E. He told me, "of course you can!" over and over and over again, more times than I could count. And when I passed that first final, I thought, you know, I just might be able to do this!

And I did.

I'm a doctor!

So unfair

Sometimes I feel like I am being punished for something, with all these losses. And I see so many people in the hospital who either neglect their children, or are irresponsible, or for whatever reason I feel like I would be a much better parent than them. Maybe that's mean, but it's true.

It makes me feel terrible when I feel this way, but I just feel like I deserve a baby. So many unfit parents get pregnant easily, don't miscarry, and have tons of babies who they can't support. Why can't I even have one? What did I do to deserve this? What did I do wrong? I know I should be grateful for what I have, and I am. But I feel empty, like something is missing. I know what that something is but I don't know how to get it.

I thought I was prepared for anything

But apparently I wasn't. Ultrasound couldn't find anything, anywhere. Not in the uterus, not in the adnexa, not in the tubes....nothing, nowhere. We still don't know what's going on but it's not good. And it means this is my third loss. It's weird to think how much I love(d) this baby, when there's not even a sac. I loved my first 2 babies too, and they were empty sacs. It's like my body can't even make an actual embryo.

I feel like a failure. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this one.

Dread

I am dreading my ultrasound tomorrow. I just know it's going to be the same exact thing as my other 2 pregnancies. If I am wrong, I will be the happiest person in the universe. But I really don't have much, if any, hope. I just want to get it over with. And assuming this is another empty sac, I am going to be really concerned that there's a genetic problem with one of us (probably me, because that's how my brain works). I feel like I should be able to get karyotypes done if I have 3 empty sacs. Right?

Frustrated

Well, I'm still pregnant, I guess. 5w6d today. No bleeding since the one episode of spotting. But that doesn't mean anything to me. I had no bleeding at all last time.

Since I'm in the US right now, my insurance situation is complicated. I decided to 1) call the insurance people to see if I can get an ultrasound in  MN and 2) call my regular doctor to set up an appointment for when I get back to Sweden.

As for #1, after talking to a bunch of people, I talked to a physician who agreed I needed an ultrasound next week. He is contacting a clinic they work with in Minneapolis, and I should be getting a call from them on Monday. Hopefully they will call and hopefully I can get a fast appointment.

#2 has not gone well. At all. In Sweden, if you, as a patient, want to talk to your doctor's office, you have to call a number and enter your phone number, and they call you back at a set time. I didn't think that would work since I'm not in Sweden, so I called the operator and asked them to put me through directly (after explaining the situation). They wouldn't connect me to the nurses' line, only to the secretaries' (not sure why that's a good idea?!?!) Eventually, I talked to a midwife and explained the situation. She was not at all nice or helpful. First big problem - my regular doctor is on sick leave. Bad news. She's been with me since the beginning of my first loss and knows my whole story. So that is already making things difficult. I really like her and trust her, and I'm really upset she's not available. The midwife said I needed to call when I get back (Jan 16) and make an appointment. Um.....WHAT? Then she offered to "try" to find me an appointment, and send me a letter if there were any available. I started to explain why, medically, I needed to be seen sooner than that. But mid-sentence, she says loudly "OK, thank you, bye!" And hung up. I started crying hysterically. How dare she. Mr. E was furious and called back, but no one would help us.

Then I tried the regular patient line, entering my US phone number. To my surprise, they did call back. I talked to a nurse who seemed nice at first. She offered me an appointment on Jan 23, at which point I would be almost 9 weeks. Not ok!! Long story short, she agreed to schedule a phone call with some doctor I don't know (since mine is on sick leave) on Jan 7. Hopefully speaking to an MD will help me get a quick appointment.

I am so frustrated. I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb. And I just fear it will be another empty sac. Mr. E is on a mission to get me to be more positive, but it is really, really hard.

Reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last

This Counting Crows song always resonates with me.

It's been a long December, and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last.

While there were definitely several great highlights of last year, the loss of our second pregnancy, and still not having a baby, overpower everything else. But in an attempt to be more positive, the highlights of 2013 include trips to Moscow, Switzerland, and Hawaii; my first job as a doctor; a big promotion for Mr. E; and running my first half marathon. That said, I am really hoping that 2014 will be our year to take home a baby.

Here's hoping that this year will be better than the last.