CD1

Cycle 8 started this morning, after a long LP that really messed with my emotions. Since I got pregnant with the baby we lost on cycle 4, I didn't think it would take that much longer the second time around. A lot of people have been trying for much longer than me, but it still feels like forever. It's been 16 months since we started TTC. I spent 5 of those pregnant, and then miscarrying, and then TTA. The rest of the time has been spent actively trying.

Each month, I get my hopes up, and each month, they get shattered. I've had an HSG due to the fact that my pregnancy was in a really unusual spot, but other than that we haven't had any testing done. The HSG showed that my uterus has a slightly convex fundus, but they said it shouldn't be a problem. All of my cycles except for one have been regular, and I seem to be ovulating every cycle. I'm temping, using OPKs, and timing things perfectly. Which means there's nothing else I can possibly do except keep trying, and keep waiting, and keep hoping.

"It's a girl!"

I got to hear those words today, when I assisted on my first c-section. Ironically, one of the parents was American, so the first baby I helped deliver was half-American!

This morning, when I got to my rotation, my attending was like, "Oh great, I'm doing a c-section in a few hours, you can assist". I was not expecting that today, so I was pumped. But when we got up to the OR, another student (who also happens not to be one of my favorite people) was under the assumption that he was going to assist, and tried to convince my attending to let him do it instead of me. Luckily, my attending told him I was doing it and we left. Booyah! That's what you get for trying to steal my surgeries.

It was a really simple surgery, you just cut through all the layers, take the baby out, and sew everything back up. One thing I didn't realize was that to suture the uterus, you actually take the whole thing out of the abdomen, suture it, and then stick it back in.

When the baby was born, it was really emotional. I was really moved by seeing the baby take her first breath right in front of me, and it was amazing to see and feel the parents' joy. I've seen one vaginal delivery and a few c-sections before, but always as an observer, so this time was different. While it was certainly a happy occasion, it also made my heart hurt. TTCing, and the baby we lost, are always in my mind. Seeing that baby just makes me grieve even more for the baby I should have in my arms. It's difficult to deal with such raw emotions when you are around pregnant women and newborns all day long, and you have to stay professional. I held it together though, and focused on the rest of the surgery, which is interesting in itself.

All in all, not bad for a day's work. It's really amazing all the things I get to do as a med student!

Learning Curve

Fun fact: Did you know that women eat more during the luteal phase (2nd part) of their menstrual cycle than they do during the follicular phase (1st part)? You don't gain weight though, because you use up more energy during the luteal phase.

That's just one of many things I learned in school today. It's amazing how much knowledge they can pack into a full day of lectures! I'm exhausted at the end of days like this, but it's nice to sit back sometimes and reflect on how much I've learned, that day and all through med school.

A while ago, I found the notebook I had used during my first day in clinic. I was at a primary care clinic, and it was the very first week of school, so I knew nothing. Nada. Zip. In it, I had written down the names of a bunch of medicines that I needed to look up, because I didn't know what they were. Looking at that page, I was surprised to see that every single medicine I had written down was a very common med that I've since seen a gazillion times. Things like warfarin, an anti-coagulant that like 50% of people over the age of 60 are on. Well, ok, that's an exaggeration, but not by much. And metoprolol, one of the most common beta blockers, which are used to treat lots of things like heart disease and arrhythmias.

It's astonishing to think how far I (and my classmates) have come. Often, on my rotations, I feel like I don't know anything. Which I don't, certainly not compared to the residents, let alone the attendings. But that notebook helped me realize that I have accumulated a lot of knowledge along the way so far. There is still so much to learn, though!

Less than a year to go!

Of med school, that is! I'm going to be a doctor. Obviously, I've know that for a while, but it's slowly becoming more and more real. In the beginning of med school, you sit in lectures about biochemistry, anatomy, physiology, and pathology. You yearn for patient contact, to be able to examine and diagnose patients. Then, once you're doing that, you look forward to finishing school and being able to actually practice.

I finished off my 9th semester last week, and started my final year. It's been a long, long journey to say the least. There's still a ways to go, not to mention residency and all that jazz, but I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel now! It's really exciting, but terrifying at the same time.

I'm starting OB/GYN next week, which I am really looking forward to. Or, was, until my miscarriage. Now it's all going to be tainted with my own grief and memories. I'm really hoping I can stay professional and not break down in front of anyone. If I can enjoy the rotation, that would be awesome.

Spinning and Studying

I'm about to get ready to go to my Saturday morning spinning class. I've been going for a while, and I loooove the instructor, she's really great. Except ever since she found out that I'm in med school (she asked me what I did for a living), she calls me "the doctor" in front of the whole class, and says various embarrassing things. She does it to other regulars, too, so it's all good.

But I got up early this morning to stop procrastinating and start studying for my big final on Friday. I'm obviously not studying right now, but I did get some studying done, so that's good.

In TTC news, I'm waiting to ovulate right now. I am on CD13 of my cycle, and I usually ovulate between CD15-19. Haven't had a positive OPK yet but hopefully soon! I never knew there was so much waiting involved in TTC. That's all it is, really, waiting. Waiting to O, the 2-week-wait after ovulation waiting for your period to come. Rinse, and repeat.

So I started a blog...

...and this is officially my first post! I started this blog to be able to document my experiences as an American living abroad, my journey through medical school, and my quest to start a family.

I guess I should start by telling you a little bit about myself. I'm 28, from the US, and currently living in Sweden with my Swedish husband, E. We met in high school, when E was an exchange student. We stayed together long-distance for several years, while I finished high school and college, and then I moved here. Life here is very different. I like it, but I definitely miss home.

Right now I'm about to start my final year of medical school, and I will hopefully graduate in January 2014. Well, actually, I hope I won't be able to graduate then because I hope I'll have to take time off for maternity leave, but we'll get to that. Medical school in Sweden is, in fact, in Swedish, which has obviously been a huge challenge for me. It also makes it more difficult to practice in the US later, but I'm doing everything I can to make that possible. Right now I'm in the last few weeks of this semester, but after that I'll start OB/GYN, and then pediatrics.

In September 2011, E and I started trying to conceive (TTC). I went off birth control, and had one 30-ish day cycles, followed by one super-long 60-something day cycle, during which I started temping. After that cycle, I got hard-core about charting and started using OPKs in addition to temping. I got pregnant, and everything was great, until I had a tiny bit of spotting at 8w5d. I found out the next day that the baby had never really developed, and I basically had a blighted ovum that my body never realized wasn't developing, so it was holding onto nothing. On top of that, the pregnancy was in my uterine horn, which meant that my only option was Methotrexate. I was treated with MTX, it took several months for my HCG to go back down to 0, and we had to TTA for a while, but we were able to start TTC again in July. We're now on Cycle 7 of full-on charting and well-timed intercourse, but no pregnancy.

Finally, I want to mention that as a Christmas present, E signed me up for a half marathon in September! I've been running for a little while but was always hesitant to sign up for races. So he did it for me. I'm looking forward to being able to track my training progress here, too.