Denial

I think I'm kind of in denial about this pregnancy. I mean, I know I'm technically pregnant, but that has never resulted in anything more than an empty sac + a lot of physical and emotional ache for me. So it's just so hard to imagine it any other way. Part of it is also that I'm unable to even talk to my doctor right now. I'm probably going to call this week but the office has been closed for Christmas and stuff, and it might be closed next week too. It's also in Sweden, and I am in Hawaii.

Yeah, did I mention that?! Maui, to be exact. I'm here with Mr. E and 5 other friends. We are having a blast so far. Yesterday was our first full day and we went on a snorkeling trip, and then to the beach, then out to dinner. It is really freaking beautiful here.

Anyway, so I'm on vacation and short of going to the emergency room, there's nothing I can do right now. I'm trying to relax and not worry about it, but....well, you can imagine how that's going.

This pregnancy has been so different though. I've only taken the one test (well, plus the negative one the week before). With both my other pregnancies, I took a million tests and they all got darker, and my betas the second time around even looked great for a while. It didn't matter. At this point there's not really anything they can do. It sucks though. I wish I could just know already if this has a chance or if it's just another empty sac.

But right now, it doesn't feel real and when I do think about it, it's usually just like well, I will probably spend all of February in the miscarriage process, so I'd better plan for that. I hate that that's how I think now. :( I still feel jealous of the pregnant women I see, because it doesn't feel like I am really pregnant. It's hard to explain. It just feels like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Well, here we go again.

On December 8, one of my good friends got married in NYC. DH came over for the wedding, and after that was going to head to MN to be with me. I wanted to go to the wedding but due to school stuff, I didn't know until about 10 days out that I would be able to go. Tickets were really expensive at that point ($741, to be exact), but after much hemming and hawing, I decided to go. You only live once, and all that. As a bonus, we would hopefully not be out this cycle because I knew I would be O'ing that weekend. If I hadn't gone, I wouldn't have seen DH until after O and we would have no chance. So I went, and we had a blast at the wedding. And we had sex, of course. I wasn't able to temp that weekend because I basically didn't sleep at all, but it seemed like we would have a chance. But honestly, it took 4 cycles with our first BFP and 8 with our 2nd (all with perfect timing), so I wasn't optimistic.

At what I think was 12dpo (although, like I said, no temping), I got a nosebleed. I had a nosebleed the same day I got my last BFP. I also had a nosebleed last cycle and immediately tested. Wasn't pregnant. I decided to test this time though. I walked through a super sketchy area of Minneapolis to find a CVS (didn't bring my wondfos!) and found what I thought was a FRER, but was actually just an ER (get your result in 1 minute, but wasn't a super sensitive test, I don't think). I tested. BFN. Bummer, but not unexpected. Packed a shitload of AF supplies and headed off to NYC for Christmas.

On 13dpo, I had some mild spotting. It was, ahem, provoked. But I figured AF was on her way. However, after that one time, there was no more spotting. Weird. 14dpo, still no spotting. 15dpo, still none. My longest LP has been 15 days but it's usually 13-14. On 16dpo, which was Christmas Eve, I started to get a little antsy. Could it be? Nooo, I had already tested. Stop getting your hopes up, Mrs. E!

OK, are you ready for my crazy confession? It's crazy, I admit. We went to 11pm church with my family and I had to pee before the service. I realized while in the bathroom I had an OPK in my purse. I took it, knowing that a lot of pregnant ladies turn OPKs positive. It was super positive. Oh man, WHY did I do that?! I told DH what I had did and he told me I was insane. But now my hopes were up.

A stealth mission to get an HPT without tipping off my parents ensued. DH and I volunteered to walk the dog. DH walked him while I booked it down to the 24 hour CVS 5 blocks away (it is now 1am on Christmas Eve). I made sure to get the real deal FRER this time. A stealth mission to pee on said HPT without tipping off my parents ensued shortly after. It involved a ziploc bag and making my dad wait to shower. It turned positive almost right away.

HOLY CRAP.

Third time's a charm?

Busy bee

Well I've been super busy here in MN. My day goes something like this:

5:41 - alarm goes off (I have to set my alarm for certain times. Some numbers are good, some are bad. I know, I'm crazy. But I digress.)

7:00 - arrive at the hospital and try to see my patients that are still on our consult list

7:30 - they change the list, and DAMMIT my patient is gone. I did all that work for nothing. Start looking to see which new patient I should go see.

7:50 - get a page from a resident telling me to go see Mr. X

8:00 - go see Mr. X and start my note.

8:45 - get paged again, go see another new patient and start the other note.

9:30 - Start rounds

12:00 - lunch conference (lecture with free lunch. Which is sometimes good, and sometimes bad, like when they have meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and green beans. For the vegetarian, that means mashed potatoes + green beans. Luckily there are always cookies, which happen to be delicious. Particularly the M&M cookies. But I digress again.)

Anywhere between 3:00-5:00pm - finish rounding on all our patients.

Anywhere between 4:00-6:00pm - finish writing my notes and go home.

After I get home: Make dinner, watch an episode of a show, and crash.

Rinse and repeat.


Some gems from my most recent attending:

"I'm hypo-impressed by these findings."

Me: Can you please explain how you can tell that that EKG is afib and not aflutter?
Him: I'm a cardiologist, that's how.

"I don't use smartphones. Everyone has a finite amount of intelligence and if you use a smartphone, that uses up some of it."

"I don't believe in text messaging."

Him: I like my Motorola Razr.
Fellow: I liked mine too. IN COLLEGE.