Annoying people and bragplaining

This is just a vent post. I have a friend, let's call her P. She is constantly bragging about her fitness achievements. But it's always like "oh my gosh, I went out for an easy run and ended up running a half marathon by accident! Was that stupid?" And then everyone's like "noooo, you're amazing!" Drives me batty. No need to bragplain.

Well she has had trouble TTC for a while, and posted a lot of things about being hurt by pregnant people. She recently got a BFP and is posting all kinds of annoying shit, and she's also AWing about some stuff that, IMO, she shouldn't be doing while pregnant. She is just a major AW in general and now this is even worse than usual. And I have several other friends who have dealt with IF and been hurt by pregnant people, then gotten pregnant and had babies and been soooo annoying and AW-y the whole time. I don't get it.

A post from this person today made me cry and I was having a good day otherwise. I want to be happy for her but right now I'm just hurting.

Just needed to get that off my chest. If you read all that, thanks for listening. <3

My favorite Swedish Words

This post showed up on my Facebook timeline today, and I loved it:

http://www.mnn.com/lifestyle/arts-culture/stories/say-what-11-untranslatable-words-from-other-cultures-infographic

Incidentally, the Swedish word on that list is one I'd never heard before. But this inspired me to make a list of my favorite Swedish words that you can't translate. All of these words are words that Mr. E and I use all the time at home, where we speak English. They are awesome words.

Orka (OR-CAH, like the whale)- v., you just don't have the energy to do something. Example: "I know I should go to the gym but I'm too tired. I don't orka." (Correct Swedish usage: Jag orkar inte)

Jobbig (YOBE-igg) - adj., annoying, difficult, a PITA, irritating, troublesome. A general word that can mean one or all of those things. A person, task, or situation can be jobbig. Example: "She is so jobbig, I just can't deal with her" or "I hate having to call the cable company and get put on hold for half an hour, it's so jobbig."

Mysig (MEES-igg) - adj., a state of being cozy, warm, and comfortable. In contrast to English, a place, as well as a person, can be/feel mysig. "Example: Ohh, it's so mysig in here with all these blankets and candles." It can also be used as a verb, mysa, which is the act of being mysig, usually involving a couch, a blanket, and a significant other.

Hinna (HINN-AH) - v.,  To have the time for, or to be on time for. It's a good word, and to say the same thing in English you have to use a lot more words. Example: "Sorry I didn't finish the dishes, I just didn't hinna" or "You better leave now or you won't hinna."

Lagom (log-ohm) - I'm not even sure what part of speech this is. It's just a term. It means not too much, not too little, but juuuust right, as Goldilocks would say. Example: "How much much cake do you want? I dunno, lagom" (Obviously, the answer to "how much cake do you want" is not "lagom", it's "a lot", but it was just an example.)

Fan (Fahn) - this is just a curse word that's fun to say. I'd say it's the equivalent of "shit" in English. Cursing in another language is really fun because it doesn't really feel like cursing.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On another note, here are a few Swedish words that crack me up to this day (pronounced phonetically unless otherwise indicated):

Kock - cook

Sex - six (it also means sex)

Slut (sloot) - end

Fart - speed

Infart - Entrance (like to a parking lot)

Utfart - Exit (like from a parking lot)

....are you laughing yet?

Farthinder (fart hinder) - speedbump
The signs are the best:

Kitt (shit) - caulk

Facket (focket) - union

Aaaaand my favorite of all time:

Byggnadsfacket (big nads focket) - construction workers' union. Gets.me.every.time.


Bonus: kackerlacka (cocker locka)- cockroach (just fun to say!)

Mrs. E, MD

On Friday, I graduated from medical school.

Five and a half years of blood, sweat, and tears. Long days at the hospital, long nights at the hospital, long study sessions at home. Biochemistry, Physiology, Anatomy, Microbiology, Pharmacology, Internal Medicine, Infectious Diseases, Dermatology, Research, Surgery, Anesthesia, Ophthalmology, Otolaryngology, Neurology, Psychiatry, OB/GYN, Pediatrics, Occupational Medicine, and several electives. Done, done, done.

It's been a long road, and it hasn't been easy. Med school is hard, and doing it in Swedish is an even bigger challenge. Mr. E has believed in me from the get-go, encouraging me to apply and telling me I could do it, even when I didn't believe in myself. Somehow, with a lot of support from family and friends, I did it. Several people have told me they're proud of me, and you know what, I'm proud of me too!

My first semester was really difficult, and there were many days where I didn't think I could do it, and I told Mr. E. He told me, "of course you can!" over and over and over again, more times than I could count. And when I passed that first final, I thought, you know, I just might be able to do this!

And I did.

I'm a doctor!

So unfair

Sometimes I feel like I am being punished for something, with all these losses. And I see so many people in the hospital who either neglect their children, or are irresponsible, or for whatever reason I feel like I would be a much better parent than them. Maybe that's mean, but it's true.

It makes me feel terrible when I feel this way, but I just feel like I deserve a baby. So many unfit parents get pregnant easily, don't miscarry, and have tons of babies who they can't support. Why can't I even have one? What did I do to deserve this? What did I do wrong? I know I should be grateful for what I have, and I am. But I feel empty, like something is missing. I know what that something is but I don't know how to get it.

I thought I was prepared for anything

But apparently I wasn't. Ultrasound couldn't find anything, anywhere. Not in the uterus, not in the adnexa, not in the tubes....nothing, nowhere. We still don't know what's going on but it's not good. And it means this is my third loss. It's weird to think how much I love(d) this baby, when there's not even a sac. I loved my first 2 babies too, and they were empty sacs. It's like my body can't even make an actual embryo.

I feel like a failure. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this one.

Dread

I am dreading my ultrasound tomorrow. I just know it's going to be the same exact thing as my other 2 pregnancies. If I am wrong, I will be the happiest person in the universe. But I really don't have much, if any, hope. I just want to get it over with. And assuming this is another empty sac, I am going to be really concerned that there's a genetic problem with one of us (probably me, because that's how my brain works). I feel like I should be able to get karyotypes done if I have 3 empty sacs. Right?

Frustrated

Well, I'm still pregnant, I guess. 5w6d today. No bleeding since the one episode of spotting. But that doesn't mean anything to me. I had no bleeding at all last time.

Since I'm in the US right now, my insurance situation is complicated. I decided to 1) call the insurance people to see if I can get an ultrasound in  MN and 2) call my regular doctor to set up an appointment for when I get back to Sweden.

As for #1, after talking to a bunch of people, I talked to a physician who agreed I needed an ultrasound next week. He is contacting a clinic they work with in Minneapolis, and I should be getting a call from them on Monday. Hopefully they will call and hopefully I can get a fast appointment.

#2 has not gone well. At all. In Sweden, if you, as a patient, want to talk to your doctor's office, you have to call a number and enter your phone number, and they call you back at a set time. I didn't think that would work since I'm not in Sweden, so I called the operator and asked them to put me through directly (after explaining the situation). They wouldn't connect me to the nurses' line, only to the secretaries' (not sure why that's a good idea?!?!) Eventually, I talked to a midwife and explained the situation. She was not at all nice or helpful. First big problem - my regular doctor is on sick leave. Bad news. She's been with me since the beginning of my first loss and knows my whole story. So that is already making things difficult. I really like her and trust her, and I'm really upset she's not available. The midwife said I needed to call when I get back (Jan 16) and make an appointment. Um.....WHAT? Then she offered to "try" to find me an appointment, and send me a letter if there were any available. I started to explain why, medically, I needed to be seen sooner than that. But mid-sentence, she says loudly "OK, thank you, bye!" And hung up. I started crying hysterically. How dare she. Mr. E was furious and called back, but no one would help us.

Then I tried the regular patient line, entering my US phone number. To my surprise, they did call back. I talked to a nurse who seemed nice at first. She offered me an appointment on Jan 23, at which point I would be almost 9 weeks. Not ok!! Long story short, she agreed to schedule a phone call with some doctor I don't know (since mine is on sick leave) on Jan 7. Hopefully speaking to an MD will help me get a quick appointment.

I am so frustrated. I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb. And I just fear it will be another empty sac. Mr. E is on a mission to get me to be more positive, but it is really, really hard.

Reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last

This Counting Crows song always resonates with me.

It's been a long December, and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last.

While there were definitely several great highlights of last year, the loss of our second pregnancy, and still not having a baby, overpower everything else. But in an attempt to be more positive, the highlights of 2013 include trips to Moscow, Switzerland, and Hawaii; my first job as a doctor; a big promotion for Mr. E; and running my first half marathon. That said, I am really hoping that 2014 will be our year to take home a baby.

Here's hoping that this year will be better than the last.