It's over.

On Tuesday we found out my hCG had gone down a bit. Ultrasound on Wednesday confirmed that. After getting yet another ultrasound yesterday, everyone is in agreement that the pregnancy is in the uterine cavity, which means we can hopefully take care of this with mifepristone and cytotec. I'm hoping to avoid methotrexate or surgery. I'm really scared of the pain, and scared that it won't work.

This meant that I also had to cancel my trip home, which is really just rubbing salt into the wound.

The multiple ultrasounds also led to a more in-depth discussion of the possible role my small (10mm) subseptum may be playing in all this. We are going to look into it more after this is all over, and also do some other testing. So that's good, at least.

I just hope that, someday, we will get our rainbow.

Bad English

In general, Swedes speak excellent English. I am constantly impressed by how good they are. The main exception is adults older than 50-ish. They didn't take English classes in school, and they are definitely not as good.

Today I had to witness some of the worst English I've seen since moving here. I was sitting in the peds outpatient clinic, next to the attending I was spending the day with. He had to write a note explaining why a patient needed to bring special food and asthma medicine onto a plane. I sat there while he typed what must be the most horrendous letter, in terms of grammar and spelling, that I've ever seen! Many of the errors were classic Swedish mistakes (like combining two words into one, as they do all the time in Swedish but we do not do in English), but some of the other things I just can't figure out.

Some examples:
"Certificate of need of specialfood"
"The patient needs to bring hers own food and asthmamedication"
"Consultant Pediatrichian"
"Therefore neither can she be exposed to food with nuts or gluten."

Needless to say, it was painful. It took every ounce of willpower I had not to grab the keyboard out of his hands and type it myself! I faced the dilemma of either a) sitting back and doing nothing, forcing innocent airline and airport employees to try to decipher the code, of b) saying something. I chose to mostly do b) but I did point out a few of the worst offenders, because I couldn't help myself.

More bad news

My hCG is not rising as fast as my doctor would like. She was happy with my numbers last week (6000 and 11000 on Wednesday and Friday), but not this week (36000 and 42000 on Wednesday and Friday).

At this point I'm not expecting any good news, but it still hurt. I want a baby more than anything, and I love the little sac inside me, but I just want this to be over. I know this isn't going to work out, and I also know that no matter what intervention is necessary, it's going to be a long, long road. :-(

Changes

Well, regardless of whether or not this is our take-home baby, I am certainly starting to experience changes in my body.

I'm exhausted all the time. Yesterday I could hardly keep my eyes open in clinic while talking to a patient! It's definitely a problem.

I've been getting waves of queasiness at odd times. It usually passes pretty quickly, but it can be difficult to finish meals.

My otherwise enormous sweet tooth has eased up into what I can only assume is a normal person's desire for sweets. Last weekend, I didn't finish my dessert because I just didn't want any more. I don't think that's ever happened to me before.

My hair is so gross. My normally oily hair is even more greasy than usual, and I've noticed some dandruff flakes! I've never had that before either. Ewwwwwww!

My normally enormous boobs are even more enormous, and very sore. My bras don't fit. I'm obviously not going to buy new bras until I know if this pregnancy may work out.

I'm feeling crampy on and off. Not painful cramps, just like dull period cramps. I've had this since I got my +HPT. This and the sore/big boobs are the only 2 symptoms I had last pregnancy, so it is reassuring to have more symptoms.

I am not complaining, I mean if this means we get our baby, I will be thrilled to have to go through all of these things. It's just difficult right now because it's a daily (hourly!) reminder of what may not last.

Not looking good

Yesterday we saw a gestational sac and a yolk sac, measuring right on track. It was truly amazing to see something inside the sac, since my last pregnancy was just an empty sac. But the pregnancy is basically in the same spot as my last pregnancy, high up near my left tube. They don't know yet whether or not it's too far up or not. I go back next Wednesday for a new ultrasound. My hCG levels look good though, so that means either this pregnancy has a chance of turning out fine, or we will have to terminate due to the location.

Right now there's a big, big chance that this pregnancy is not going to work out and that we're going to have to terminate. The thought of having to do that is gut-wrenching, to say the least. I'm also terrified I'll have to have some complicated surgery that would make it impossible to ever carry a baby.

I love my little yolk sac so much already, even though we can't even see the baby yet. Please, please, please let this work out.

Losing my mind

All this waiting and not knowing is making me lose my mind. Today I got an appointment for an ultrasound on Monday, which will probably not be definitive regardless of whether the news is bad or good, but it will give us more information. In the meantime, I'm just running through all the scenarios in my head.

• The baby hasn't developed at all and we can still only see an empty sac.
• The empty sac is too high up and I'll have to go through the same thing as last year.
• The baby has developed, but it's too high up near the tube and I can't continue the pregnancy.
• The baby has developed a little bit, but not enough to know which way it's going to go.
• We're not sure exactly where the pregnancy is and whether or not it's potentially dangerous.

And then there's also the tiny, tiny possibility that

•  Everything looks good. The baby has developed and the location is fine.

That feels very unlikely right now, after everything I've been through. But maybe. Just maybe.

One year ago today

One year ago today, we found out that our baby had not developed and was only a sac, even though I should have been 8w6d. Then, we found out that it was in the uterine horn, which made things very complicated. It was a long road, and a terrible 3 months. I hoped I would get pregnant again soon after we were able to start trying again.

It took a while, but I did get pregnant again, but now we're facing another possible loss. However, my doctor finally called me today and she is very optimistic, and thinks the chances are really good. I'm not getting my hopes up too much, but it was a relief to hear her say that there was hope. She was also very understanding about my craziness and we are going to do betas tomorrow and Friday, and ultrasound next week, and probably another ultrasound the week after. I'm glad we have a plan, and her optimism has made me feel a little better.

Then, at the end of the conversation, she said "Try not to worry." HA!!!!!

She also forbid me from exercise and sex until further notice. I was expecting this, and had stopped doing both as soon as I got the positive test, but still. Exercise is my main way to de-stress, so I'll have to find another way to try to stay calm. Suggestions are welcome!

Good news and bad news

Long story short, I got an impromptu ultrasound from one of my attendings today. The good news is, there is a sac that is measuring right on track. The bad news is, the pregnancy seems to be almost in the exact same spot as my last pregnancy (near the left uterine horn). She said there is definitely a chance, and I was feeling ok when I left, but now after thinking about it for a while, I'm starting to lose hope. I'm terrified that it won't develop, or that it will but we will have to terminate because it would be dangerous for me (or because the baby wouldn't survive).

My doctor still hasn't called me back, but my attending today said she recommends another ultrasound in a week, so I probably won't know anything else until then.

I can't believe it's in the exact same spot. I know it's not over yet, and I'm trying to stay positive, but it's hard. Please be ok in there, baby!

Today I am pregnant.

February 27, 2013

Today I am pregnant. I can’t believe I’m even saying that. When I got home from school today, at 12dpo, I took an HPT. I really didn’t think it would be positive, but I usually cave and test by around 10dpo, so I just felt like I needed to get it out of my system. My chart this month has been really weird, so I just really didn’t think it was our cycle. I mean, I know a lot of people say that, and every time I read it I roll my eyes. Like OK, yeah, sure whatever. But it’s true! Lo and behold, a 2nd line showed up pretty quickly. At first I was like, is that a line? No, it can’t be. So I kept playing on my phone. Then I looked again, and it was still there. And it got darker.
 
Then I said a few choice words of disbelief.
Then I started hyperventilating.
Then I cursed some more.
Then I started shaking.
Then I started hysterically crying.
Then I quickly took a picture of the test so that I can compare it with tomorrow’s test to see if it gets darker or not. Which was difficult due to the shaking.
 
Then I picked up the phone to call E, and then realized that was a bad idea. It would be so much better to tell him in person, obviously, plus I knew he had a meeting that was going to start in 15 minutes. Not the best way to keep him calm for his meeting!
 
Then I picked up my phone to call my doctor’s office, only to find out they only keep the phones open until 3pm. Keep in mind that this all happened at 3:10pm. 10 MINUTES TOO LATE!!!! Now I have to wait until TOMORROW. Which is so, so, so far away.
 
So here I sit, on my couch, trying not to freak the f*ck out. My emotions are swinging between ecstatic and terrified. I’m ecstatic because I’m pregnant. We’ve been trying for 8 months after our loss, and I was starting to get really worried. I’m terrified because while there is obviously a chance this is a healthy pregnancy, the chances that it is not viable and/or ectopic and/or some other weird thing like my last pregnancy seem larger to me right now. I know that’s not logical, but that’s how I feel. Right now, I’m just hoping and praying, harder than I’ve ever hoped and prayed before, that this pregnancy will be ok.
 
OH, and did I mention that I found out YESTERDAY that I got accepted to my away rotation in the US?!?! This was HUGE news. HUGE. I was so overjoyed at that news yesterday. My rotation will probably start around November 4th. And IF this pregnancy works out, and that is a BIG if, my EDD would be around November 6th. Obviously the two are mutually exclusive. And obviously I hope that the rotation is the thing that will be excluded (although I also hope that if it comes to that, I would be able to do the rotation at another time). I went from being so excited to go in November, to desperately hoping I won’t be able to go. Ironic, huh?
 
Other random things going through my head right now:
1.    I only have 2 more HPTs in my house (I obviously took a 2nd one, different brand, immediately after the first was positive, like any normal person would do). One is a regular stick and the other is a digital. This means 2 things. First of all, I’ll have to go buy new tests tomorrow, and I don’t know which brand to get. Second of all, I won’t be able to easily see if the lines get darker or not, since I’ll have to get a different brand.
2.    Immediately after writing #1, I dipped the digital test. It didn’t work, nothing happened. I guess the battery is dead or something. I’ve had it since last January, but it says it expires in April. I dunno. Oh well. In any case, I now only have 1 HPT. I’ll be buying more regular tests and digital tests tomorrow.
3.    I will be getting betas done, but they have to be done with at least 48 hours between blood draws. Which means that if I have my first beta tomorrow, I will have to wait until MONDAY for my second. I know it doesn’t *really* matter, I mean, I could start bleeding and lose the pregnancy between now and Monday. But that meanst I will have to wait until next week to find out if this pregnancy has a chance. Doubling betas don’t guarantee a viable pregnancy, but it’s the first step.
4.    The past 2 days have been a roller coaster. Yesterday morning, I got a nosebleed right before my first patient. My attending was freaking out and handing me gauze. It was funny, and also embarrassing. Then I found out I got a spot for an elective in the US. Then I fell epically wiped out on the ice on my way home from the gym. The fall resulted in a bruised and cut ankle, a bruised knee, and fatal injuries to 2 bananas. The past 2 days I’ve been doing a lot in clinic – it’s been tough but really fun. And now this BFP. Ahhh!
5.    This is really sick and twisted, but I hope that IF this pregnancy is not viable, that it’s at least a normal miscarriage, and I don’t have to go through the hell that I did last year.
6.    On every TTC cycle except 2, I’ve caved and tested early. On 2 cycles, I’ve held out until 12dpo. On both of those cycles, I’ve gotten BFPs. Apparently that’s what makes me pregnant.

Today I am pregnant.