I think I'm kind of in denial about this pregnancy. I mean, I know I'm technically pregnant, but that has never resulted in anything more than an empty sac + a lot of physical and emotional ache for me. So it's just so hard to imagine it any other way. Part of it is also that I'm unable to even talk to my doctor right now. I'm probably going to call this week but the office has been closed for Christmas and stuff, and it might be closed next week too. It's also in Sweden, and I am in Hawaii.
Yeah, did I mention that?! Maui, to be exact. I'm here with Mr. E and 5 other friends. We are having a blast so far. Yesterday was our first full day and we went on a snorkeling trip, and then to the beach, then out to dinner. It is really freaking beautiful here.
Anyway, so I'm on vacation and short of going to the emergency room, there's nothing I can do right now. I'm trying to relax and not worry about it, but....well, you can imagine how that's going.
This pregnancy has been so different though. I've only taken the one test (well, plus the negative one the week before). With both my other pregnancies, I took a million tests and they all got darker, and my betas the second time around even looked great for a while. It didn't matter. At this point there's not really anything they can do. It sucks though. I wish I could just know already if this has a chance or if it's just another empty sac.
But right now, it doesn't feel real and when I do think about it, it's usually just like well, I will probably spend all of February in the miscarriage process, so I'd better plan for that. I hate that that's how I think now. :( I still feel jealous of the pregnant women I see, because it doesn't feel like I am really pregnant. It's hard to explain. It just feels like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Yeah, did I mention that?! Maui, to be exact. I'm here with Mr. E and 5 other friends. We are having a blast so far. Yesterday was our first full day and we went on a snorkeling trip, and then to the beach, then out to dinner. It is really freaking beautiful here.
Anyway, so I'm on vacation and short of going to the emergency room, there's nothing I can do right now. I'm trying to relax and not worry about it, but....well, you can imagine how that's going.
This pregnancy has been so different though. I've only taken the one test (well, plus the negative one the week before). With both my other pregnancies, I took a million tests and they all got darker, and my betas the second time around even looked great for a while. It didn't matter. At this point there's not really anything they can do. It sucks though. I wish I could just know already if this has a chance or if it's just another empty sac.
But right now, it doesn't feel real and when I do think about it, it's usually just like well, I will probably spend all of February in the miscarriage process, so I'd better plan for that. I hate that that's how I think now. :( I still feel jealous of the pregnant women I see, because it doesn't feel like I am really pregnant. It's hard to explain. It just feels like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
No comments:
Post a Comment