February 27, 2013
Today I am pregnant. I can’t believe I’m even saying that. When I got home from school today, at 12dpo, I took an HPT. I really didn’t think it would be positive, but I usually cave and test by around 10dpo, so I just felt like I needed to get it out of my system. My chart this month has been really weird, so I just really didn’t think it was our cycle. I mean, I know a lot of people say that, and every time I read it I roll my eyes. Like OK, yeah, sure whatever. But it’s true! Lo and behold, a 2nd line showed up pretty quickly. At first I was like, is that a line? No, it can’t be. So I kept playing on my phone. Then I looked again, and it was still there. And it got darker.
Then I said a few choice words of disbelief.
Then I started hyperventilating.
Then I cursed some more.
Then I started shaking.
Then I started hysterically crying.
Then I quickly took a picture of the test so that I can compare it with tomorrow’s test to see if it gets darker or not. Which was difficult due to the shaking.
Then I picked up the phone to call E, and then realized that was a bad idea. It would be so much better to tell him in person, obviously, plus I knew he had a meeting that was going to start in 15 minutes. Not the best way to keep him calm for his meeting!
Then I picked up my phone to call my doctor’s office, only to find out they only keep the phones open until 3pm. Keep in mind that this all happened at 3:10pm. 10 MINUTES TOO LATE!!!! Now I have to wait until TOMORROW. Which is so, so, so far away.
So here I sit, on my couch, trying not to freak the f*ck out. My emotions are swinging between ecstatic and terrified. I’m ecstatic because I’m pregnant. We’ve been trying for 8 months after our loss, and I was starting to get really worried. I’m terrified because while there is obviously a chance this is a healthy pregnancy, the chances that it is not viable and/or ectopic and/or some other weird thing like my last pregnancy seem larger to me right now. I know that’s not logical, but that’s how I feel. Right now, I’m just hoping and praying, harder than I’ve ever hoped and prayed before, that this pregnancy will be ok.
OH, and did I mention that I found out YESTERDAY that I got accepted to my away rotation in the US?!?! This was HUGE news. HUGE. I was so overjoyed at that news yesterday. My rotation will probably start around November 4th. And IF this pregnancy works out, and that is a BIG if, my EDD would be around November 6th. Obviously the two are mutually exclusive. And obviously I hope that the rotation is the thing that will be excluded (although I also hope that if it comes to that, I would be able to do the rotation at another time). I went from being so excited to go in November, to desperately hoping I won’t be able to go. Ironic, huh?
Other random things going through my head right now:
1. I only have 2 more HPTs in my house (I obviously took a 2nd one, different brand, immediately after the first was positive, like any normal person would do). One is a regular stick and the other is a digital. This means 2 things. First of all, I’ll have to go buy new tests tomorrow, and I don’t know which brand to get. Second of all, I won’t be able to easily see if the lines get darker or not, since I’ll have to get a different brand.
2. Immediately after writing #1, I dipped the digital test. It didn’t work, nothing happened. I guess the battery is dead or something. I’ve had it since last January, but it says it expires in April. I dunno. Oh well. In any case, I now only have 1 HPT. I’ll be buying more regular tests and digital tests tomorrow.
3. I will be getting betas done, but they have to be done with at least 48 hours between blood draws. Which means that if I have my first beta tomorrow, I will have to wait until MONDAY for my second. I know it doesn’t *really* matter, I mean, I could start bleeding and lose the pregnancy between now and Monday. But that meanst I will have to wait until next week to find out if this pregnancy has a chance. Doubling betas don’t guarantee a viable pregnancy, but it’s the first step.
4. The past 2 days have been a roller coaster. Yesterday morning, I got a nosebleed right before my first patient. My attending was freaking out and handing me gauze. It was funny, and also embarrassing. Then I found out I got a spot for an elective in the US. Then I fell epically wiped out on the ice on my way home from the gym. The fall resulted in a bruised and cut ankle, a bruised knee, and fatal injuries to 2 bananas. The past 2 days I’ve been doing a lot in clinic – it’s been tough but really fun. And now this BFP. Ahhh!
5. This is really sick and twisted, but I hope that IF this pregnancy is not viable, that it’s at least a normal miscarriage, and I don’t have to go through the hell that I did last year.
6. On every TTC cycle except 2, I’ve caved and tested early. On 2 cycles, I’ve held out until 12dpo. On both of those cycles, I’ve gotten BFPs. Apparently that’s what makes me pregnant.
Today I am pregnant.
Today I am pregnant. I can’t believe I’m even saying that. When I got home from school today, at 12dpo, I took an HPT. I really didn’t think it would be positive, but I usually cave and test by around 10dpo, so I just felt like I needed to get it out of my system. My chart this month has been really weird, so I just really didn’t think it was our cycle. I mean, I know a lot of people say that, and every time I read it I roll my eyes. Like OK, yeah, sure whatever. But it’s true! Lo and behold, a 2nd line showed up pretty quickly. At first I was like, is that a line? No, it can’t be. So I kept playing on my phone. Then I looked again, and it was still there. And it got darker.
Then I said a few choice words of disbelief.
Then I started hyperventilating.
Then I cursed some more.
Then I started shaking.
Then I started hysterically crying.
Then I quickly took a picture of the test so that I can compare it with tomorrow’s test to see if it gets darker or not. Which was difficult due to the shaking.
Then I picked up the phone to call E, and then realized that was a bad idea. It would be so much better to tell him in person, obviously, plus I knew he had a meeting that was going to start in 15 minutes. Not the best way to keep him calm for his meeting!
Then I picked up my phone to call my doctor’s office, only to find out they only keep the phones open until 3pm. Keep in mind that this all happened at 3:10pm. 10 MINUTES TOO LATE!!!! Now I have to wait until TOMORROW. Which is so, so, so far away.
So here I sit, on my couch, trying not to freak the f*ck out. My emotions are swinging between ecstatic and terrified. I’m ecstatic because I’m pregnant. We’ve been trying for 8 months after our loss, and I was starting to get really worried. I’m terrified because while there is obviously a chance this is a healthy pregnancy, the chances that it is not viable and/or ectopic and/or some other weird thing like my last pregnancy seem larger to me right now. I know that’s not logical, but that’s how I feel. Right now, I’m just hoping and praying, harder than I’ve ever hoped and prayed before, that this pregnancy will be ok.
OH, and did I mention that I found out YESTERDAY that I got accepted to my away rotation in the US?!?! This was HUGE news. HUGE. I was so overjoyed at that news yesterday. My rotation will probably start around November 4th. And IF this pregnancy works out, and that is a BIG if, my EDD would be around November 6th. Obviously the two are mutually exclusive. And obviously I hope that the rotation is the thing that will be excluded (although I also hope that if it comes to that, I would be able to do the rotation at another time). I went from being so excited to go in November, to desperately hoping I won’t be able to go. Ironic, huh?
Other random things going through my head right now:
1. I only have 2 more HPTs in my house (I obviously took a 2nd one, different brand, immediately after the first was positive, like any normal person would do). One is a regular stick and the other is a digital. This means 2 things. First of all, I’ll have to go buy new tests tomorrow, and I don’t know which brand to get. Second of all, I won’t be able to easily see if the lines get darker or not, since I’ll have to get a different brand.
2. Immediately after writing #1, I dipped the digital test. It didn’t work, nothing happened. I guess the battery is dead or something. I’ve had it since last January, but it says it expires in April. I dunno. Oh well. In any case, I now only have 1 HPT. I’ll be buying more regular tests and digital tests tomorrow.
3. I will be getting betas done, but they have to be done with at least 48 hours between blood draws. Which means that if I have my first beta tomorrow, I will have to wait until MONDAY for my second. I know it doesn’t *really* matter, I mean, I could start bleeding and lose the pregnancy between now and Monday. But that meanst I will have to wait until next week to find out if this pregnancy has a chance. Doubling betas don’t guarantee a viable pregnancy, but it’s the first step.
4. The past 2 days have been a roller coaster. Yesterday morning, I got a nosebleed right before my first patient. My attending was freaking out and handing me gauze. It was funny, and also embarrassing. Then I found out I got a spot for an elective in the US. Then I fell epically wiped out on the ice on my way home from the gym. The fall resulted in a bruised and cut ankle, a bruised knee, and fatal injuries to 2 bananas. The past 2 days I’ve been doing a lot in clinic – it’s been tough but really fun. And now this BFP. Ahhh!
5. This is really sick and twisted, but I hope that IF this pregnancy is not viable, that it’s at least a normal miscarriage, and I don’t have to go through the hell that I did last year.
6. On every TTC cycle except 2, I’ve caved and tested early. On 2 cycles, I’ve held out until 12dpo. On both of those cycles, I’ve gotten BFPs. Apparently that’s what makes me pregnant.
Today I am pregnant.
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