Mother's Day. For women with living children and/or living mothers, it's a day of happiness and celebration. For anyone who's lost their mother, it's a reminder of what was taken away from them. For anyone who's struggling to become a mother, it's a reminder of what they've never had. For anyone who is only a mother of angels, it is a reminder of what could have been.
I am incredibly fortunate to have a wonderful mother who I love very much. I wish I could devote so much energy to celebrating today with her (albeit from afar), but it's too painful. I've explained this to her, and I think she understands. I hope so. I ask my little sister (who I usually boss around) to be in charge of a joint Mother's Day gift from both of us, because it's just too hard.
Today I was cleaning out my bedside table in preparation for our move. I came across the ultrasound picture I have of my second pregnancy. It's just a little black empty sac, but it's the only physical, concrete proof I have of any of my angels. That ultrasound was performed by a very kind OB attending who basically caught me in the middle of a breakdown, asked what was wrong, got an answer which probably made her wish she had never asked, and offered to do an ultrasound right then and there. It was too early to see anything but a sac, and it already didn't look very promising, but at least it calmed me down temporarily. She even printed a picture for me. Obviously, we lost that baby too. I kept the picture though. On purpose. I guess because it's all I have. I don't have pictures of a fetus, or of babies, or of children. All I have is one picture of one empty sac (I don't even have ultrasound pictures from any of the other pregnancies). But I loved that baby, just as much as all the "real" moms love their living children. So it will have to move with us to the US. It's all I have.
Today I remember my four angels, and what could have been.
Angel #1: BFP 1/31/12. EDD 10/11/12. M/C 3/23/12.
Angel #2: BFP 2/27/13. EDD 11/6/13. M/C 3/24/13.
Angel #3: BFP 12/24/13. EDD 8/31/14. M/C 1/17/14.
Angel #4: BFP 3/20/14. EDD 11/28/14. M/C 4/3/14.
I am incredibly fortunate to have a wonderful mother who I love very much. I wish I could devote so much energy to celebrating today with her (albeit from afar), but it's too painful. I've explained this to her, and I think she understands. I hope so. I ask my little sister (who I usually boss around) to be in charge of a joint Mother's Day gift from both of us, because it's just too hard.
Today I was cleaning out my bedside table in preparation for our move. I came across the ultrasound picture I have of my second pregnancy. It's just a little black empty sac, but it's the only physical, concrete proof I have of any of my angels. That ultrasound was performed by a very kind OB attending who basically caught me in the middle of a breakdown, asked what was wrong, got an answer which probably made her wish she had never asked, and offered to do an ultrasound right then and there. It was too early to see anything but a sac, and it already didn't look very promising, but at least it calmed me down temporarily. She even printed a picture for me. Obviously, we lost that baby too. I kept the picture though. On purpose. I guess because it's all I have. I don't have pictures of a fetus, or of babies, or of children. All I have is one picture of one empty sac (I don't even have ultrasound pictures from any of the other pregnancies). But I loved that baby, just as much as all the "real" moms love their living children. So it will have to move with us to the US. It's all I have.
Today I remember my four angels, and what could have been.
Angel #1: BFP 1/31/12. EDD 10/11/12. M/C 3/23/12.
Angel #2: BFP 2/27/13. EDD 11/6/13. M/C 3/24/13.
Angel #3: BFP 12/24/13. EDD 8/31/14. M/C 1/17/14.
Angel #4: BFP 3/20/14. EDD 11/28/14. M/C 4/3/14.
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