Around the time Mr. E and I started TTC, Mr. E's little brother met a girl. In the past 4-ish years, they started dating, moved in together, got engaged, got married (less than a year ago), and now had a baby last week. In addition, they both graduated from professional school and have landed their dream jobs. I'm happy for them. Everything has worked out perfectly, and they have everything they want. They deserve happiness and I'm glad they were able to have a baby so quickly.
But.
I am having a really hard time with all this. I guess I'm an aunt now, but I feel so disconnected from the baby. Which is my own fault, for distancing myself emotionally because it's so hard. I guess since Mr. E and I are both the oldest, and we've been married for so long, before marriage was even on the radar for any of our siblings, I assumed we would be the first ones to have kids. Obviously, that hasn't happened. I don't want to "just" be an aunt. I want to be a mom and an aunt. I tried talking to my mom about how hard this was, but she just told me how much fun she thought it was to be an aunt, and that it's "so different than being a mother." That did not help. Not.at.all. I feel so jealous of my BIL and SIL and I absolutely HATE that I feel this way. I can't seem to make it go away though. I feel like such an ugly person, which is not who I want to be. I wish I could somehow compartmentalize my own pain from their happiness, but I haven't been able to figure that out.
Next weekend we're going to meet the baby, and I am already dreading it. See what I mean? I'm a horrible person. Dreading meeting their child, how awful is that?! Last night I cried because it was so hard, and then I cried some more because I hated that I was so sad about meeting their perfect little baby. I'm going to have to come up with some kind of strategy between now and next weekend, because this isn't gonna work.
But.
I am having a really hard time with all this. I guess I'm an aunt now, but I feel so disconnected from the baby. Which is my own fault, for distancing myself emotionally because it's so hard. I guess since Mr. E and I are both the oldest, and we've been married for so long, before marriage was even on the radar for any of our siblings, I assumed we would be the first ones to have kids. Obviously, that hasn't happened. I don't want to "just" be an aunt. I want to be a mom and an aunt. I tried talking to my mom about how hard this was, but she just told me how much fun she thought it was to be an aunt, and that it's "so different than being a mother." That did not help. Not.at.all. I feel so jealous of my BIL and SIL and I absolutely HATE that I feel this way. I can't seem to make it go away though. I feel like such an ugly person, which is not who I want to be. I wish I could somehow compartmentalize my own pain from their happiness, but I haven't been able to figure that out.
Next weekend we're going to meet the baby, and I am already dreading it. See what I mean? I'm a horrible person. Dreading meeting their child, how awful is that?! Last night I cried because it was so hard, and then I cried some more because I hated that I was so sad about meeting their perfect little baby. I'm going to have to come up with some kind of strategy between now and next weekend, because this isn't gonna work.
No comments:
Post a Comment